October 27th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

U.S. Special forces launched a rare attack in Syria.  President Bush said he was okay with the attack in Syria, as long as we didn’t kill Howard Stern.

 

CNN showed a photo on its website of a jack-o-lantern carved in Barack Obama’s likeness.  Then today, the pumpkin broke down and said it made the whole thing up and admitted to carving into itself.

 

Speaking to supporters in Leesburg, Virginia, Barack Obama rallied the crowd by saying “I feel like we got a righteous wind at our backs.”  Apparently Obama is so confident, his speeches are now being written by Huggy Bear.              

 

The Obama Campaign is running a campaign that says John McCain is “running out of time.”  Obama said, “It has nothing to do with the election—it’s just that the man’s 112.”

 

In a video posted on Funny or Die, Andy Griffith endorsed Barack Obama.  John McCain said he was so upset, he was cutting back to four hours of Matlock a day.

 

This week on The View, co-hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar had a heated exchange that ended with Hasselbeck shouting, “You want some more Barack Obama Kool-aid?”  The comment was met with anger by the Kool-Aid Man, who restated his support for Ron Paul.

 

Ralph Nader says he set the world record for most campaign speeches in one day this weekend in Cambridge.  In related news, workers at Bartley’s said they set the world record for asking Nader to leave.         

 

James Bond star, Daniel Craig, told Parade magazine that “Obama would be the better Bond because he’d be willing to look the enemy in the eye and go toe-to-toe with them.”  Because apparently, crashing your plane, being held hostage and refusing an early release is more of a Murder, She Wrote thing.

 

Speaking at a rally for Minnesota gubernatorial candidate Al Franken, Hillary Clinton once again invoked the now-infamous “right wing conspiracy” concept into her speech.  Franken thanked Hillary for her support, then admitted that he too was screwing  Monica Lewinsky.             

The newest version of the hit game Guitar Hero will allow players to create and record their own music, which explains the inclusion of a new warning label, “May Not Be Suitable for Justin Guarini.”

 

Friends of Amy Winehouse say the singer could be dead within a year.  Winehouse said, “The joke’s on them—I’ve been dead since July.”

  

In Montevideo, Uruguay, a single bolt of lightning killed 52 cows that were pressed against a wire fence.  The cleanup was then carried out by The Sizzler.

 

The price of lobster has plummeted recently.  President Bush said the drop is a direct result of his decision to invade Maine.                                                           

 

Royal officials say Britain’s Prince Harry wants to become a helicopter pilot.  Harry said, “I can’t think of a better task for royalty than reporting backups at the Holland Tunnel.”

 

The New York Post reports that Donald Trump is among many celebrities with gun permits.  Trump said, “I felt a gun was the best way to protect myself if that thing on my head gets rabies.”

 

The family of a Georgia woman, who passed away 20 years ago, went to the campus of Georgia College and State University this week to retrieve a wallet she lost nearly 60 years ago.  Marking the first time ever somebody has uttered the phrase, “Hey!  This must have been grandma’s diaphragm!”

 

Four students in St. Louis face punishment after assaulting classmates as part of a so-called “Hit a Jew Day.”  The students planned on hiring an attorney, but because of their actions, they can’t find a lawyer that’ll go near them.  I’m sorry.

 

Fin

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

 

 

 

 


October 20th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Can I call you Joe…the Plumber?

 

In what’s being billed has his big “comeback” speech, John McCain mocks Barack Obama for “measuring the drapes” in the Oval Office.  In response, Obama criticized McCain for putting plastic on all of the furniture.           

 

Barack Obama told the voter-gathering group ACORN, which has been accused of fraud, that his campaign does not need their help.  To which John McCain said, “That’s where we differ.”

 

Many viewers of the last Presidential debate thought John McCain’s tone was highly aggressive.  Said McCain, “Go fuck yourself.”

 

In an interview with Fox News, Hillary Clinton said she has no interest in becoming President of the United Staes.  Instead, she will turn her attention to becoming Queen of the United States.

 

In an effort to build up the country’s defense capabilities, Russia recently test-fired its long-range ballistic missiles.  They only stopped when they got a call from Sarah Palin, asking them to “keep the racket down.”

 

The fiancé of Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter Bristol, Levi Johnston told the AP “We were planning on getting married a long time ago with or without the kid.  That was the plan from the start.” Johnston then excused himself and went outside, where he proceeded to write “HELP ME” in the snow.

 

Joe Biden criticized what he calls the McCain campaign’s decision to use name-calling and personal attacks on Barack Obama.  Biden then called the people behind the strategy big, fat douchebags.

October 14th, 2008 at 12:24 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Can I call you Joe?

 

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin has released a martial arts instructional DVD entitled “Let’s Learn Judo with Vladimir Putin.”  Producers hope the DVD sells better than their last project, “Let’s Learn Beer Pong with Boris Yeltsin.”

 

Barack Obama on Monday accused John McCain of launching false character assaults.  Said McCain, “That’s a bold accusation, coming from a Communist tranny.”

 

An investigation by students at the University of Connecticut found that 8,500 dead people remained registered to vote in the state; about 300 of them appeared to have voted since death; and at least one of them continues to run for president.

 

According to a Las Vegas newspaper, O.J. Simpson was so confident he would be acquitted of armed robbery and kidnapping charges, he had planned a victory party at an undisclosed location.  Simpson was looking forward to the occasion, as it would have given him the chance to play his favorite party game, stab-the-tail on the donkey.

 

People are still talking about the Senate passing the huge bail-out plan.  74 Senators voted “Yes,” 25 voted “No,” and Larry Craig voted “Penis.”

 

In an effort to avoid further drop-off in business during the economic crisis, Atlantic City may postpone the October 15th ban on smoking in casinos.  Which is good, ‘cause if there’s one thing that can help unemployment, it’s cancer.

 

A new study claims that high-powered energy drinks, such as Red Bull, Full Throttle and Jolt, contain so much caffeine that the government should put warning labels on their cans.  Because apparently, it isn’t already clear that a drink contains high levels of caffeine when it’s named Red Bull, Full Throttle or Jolt.

 

In the middle of serving 27 months in prison, Amy Winehouse’s husband actually turned down early parole.  Though in fairness, if you were married to Amy Winehouse…

 

The fattest man in the world announced he is engaged to his longtime girlfriend.  The guy went all out with his proposal; even got down on one chin.

 

That’s all for this week.  Regular blogs resume on 10-28, mo-fos!


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October 7th, 2008 at 3:04 am
Posted by Jon in Uncategorized

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THE JONOLOGUE

 

Anyone else pick the Cubs?…

 

According to the cable news stations, the economic plunge could cause the price of oil to drop, making it cheaper to put gas in your car–which is fitting, since that’s now where you’ll probably be living.

 

Pope Benedict said that the world’s financial system is “built on sand,” and that only the works of God have “solid reality.”  He then asked ushers to pass around the collection baskets.

 

A team of scientists announced they have found a bowl that is engraved with possibly the world’s first known reference to Jesus Christ, who it refers to as a “magician.”  Lending credence to the find is the lesser-known Bible passage in which Jesus saws Mary in half and hangs upside down in the park for a week.

 

After paying $20 million to fly to the International Space Station in 2007, Billionaire Charles Simonyi will start training for a second flight to the space station in Spring 2009.  So suck on that, charities!

 

The Obama Campaign has come under attack after a series of mysterious and allegedly fraudulent donations.  Critics first became suspicious Obama reported a $35,000 donation by a Seymour Butts.

 

Sarah Palin attacked Barack Obama’s relationship with 1960s radical Bill Ayers.  In response, Joe Biden attacked John McCain’s relationship with 1860s radical John Wilkes Booth.

 

Critics have attacked John McCain because of his alleged anger issues.  Said McCain, “Those assholes.”

 

O.J. Simpson was found guilty of armed robbery in Las Vegas.  When asked about the verdict, Simpson said, “I just hope this doesn’t damage my reputation.”

 

Simpson could be facing life in prison.  Prison authorities are preparing for an increase in fan mail, while the guards are preparing for an increase in murder.

 

Federal health officials announced that in the event of an anthrax attack, they plan to use U.S. mail carriers as a “quick strike force” to deliver antibiotics house-to-house.  In other words, get ready to die.

 

According to a Coast Guard report, fewer Cubans have been apprehended this year trying to enter the US.  However, that number is expected to double, when the Yankees try shore up their bullpen.

 

A man in California was arrested last week after allegedly stealing a uniform from Dodger Stadium and posing as one of the team’s players on the field.  Security first grew suspicious when “Manny Ramirez” looked a lot like Andy Dick.

 

Later on, Dodgers security caught 25 more guys posing as baseball players.  They were then defeated, and sent back to Chicago.

 

Pearl Jam Front Man Eddie Veder recently released a song about the Cubs called “All the Way.”  And today, he released a follow-up song called, “Never Mind.” 

 

A man in New York State was arrested for driving while intoxicated after excessively honking his horn.  Though in fairness, the car in front of him was sporting a bumper sticker which read, “Honk if you’re heavily intoxicated.”

 

NBC is producing a remake of the 1970s series “The Partridge Family.”  It will be called “Prelude to Rehab.”

 

In exchange for the release of a Russian cargo ship loaded with tanks, a pirate in Somali is demanding a $20 million ransom—or, a new eye patch.

 

House Peters, Jr., the actor who was the original Mr. Clean in commercials, died this week at the age of 92.  His ashes will be scattered over your whole house, and everything that’s in it!

 

A 26 year-old former math teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to six years in federal prison.

Thus answering the question, “If a 26-year-old teacher from Nebraska is in a car with a 13-year-old boy from Nebraska traveling 65 miles per hour to Mexico, how long before she’s sentenced to six years in federal prison?”

 

Over 15,000 people in Germany have assembled the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle.  So that’s what the Nazis have been up to!

 

According to scientists, drinking too much Coca-Cola can lead to a low sperm count.  In related news, I’m done buying condoms.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

You’re Invited…to read this article.

 

Before I begin here, I have a simple question: who reads this thing?  When I first set this blog up, it was meant to basically be an archive for jokes that had nowhere else to go—sort of a halfway house for crap.  But since people have recently referenced things in real-life conversation that I never thought anyone would read, just throwin’ it out there.

Anyway, I had a wedding to go to this weekend, which was a lot of fun.  After all, if there’s one place you want to be when you’re between jobs, single and having strong doubts about the industry future of the one thing you’re kind of good at, it’s at a ceremony honoring your friends for actually having their shit together.

                My friend Sam Liberty got married to the longtime Robin to his Batman (or, the other way around), Janine Evans on Saturday.  For those of you who don’t know, Sam is a good friend and was my writing partner back in 2006, when a guy whose name I ”can’t mention on my site” got us in to pitch a sitcom to NBC.  (You can also see Sam here, playing a flamboyant thug, and here, playing a time-traveling cop).  The lovely ceremony took place at a farm in North Andover.  Incidentally, if you can come up with a creepier feeling than being a guy in a suit pulling his car up to a bunch of kids picking pumpkins, I bow to you.

                It’s an interesting time right now, because half the people I know are in the same boat that I am—no serious relationship, no kids, no real responsibilities, and therefore, no real money—while the other half are like Sam and Janine, settling down and living adult lives.  To even assume that I’ll one day get married is generous, given that it’s rare a girl even sits next to me on the bus, but I couldn’t help but think about a few changes I’d make to the ceremony should I tie the proverbial knot:

 

The Entrance:  Traditionally, the bride gets a grand entrance—complete with her own song.  Meanwhile, the groom stands up front like a schmuck, just waiting.  No intro, no fanfare.  In a way, it reminds me of Saturday morning WWF show—which is fitting, since the guy standing there like a schmuck is the one who always ends up losing.  Thus, there will be a few changes at my wedding.  Before the match—I mean, ceremony—there will be a coin toss to determine who goes first.  And when I go, first or second, I will enter to the beautiful riffs of Rick Derringer’s Real American.  Because after all, I don’t eat healthy, I don’t read any books, and I watch an average of two hours of TV reruns a day.  I’m sorry, ladies, but that’s as real as it gets.

 

The Best Man:  I don’t know who I would pick to be my Best Man, to tell you the truth.  But I’m pretty sure that at any given time, I could pick my Worst Man.  That is, the friend for whom I currently have the least possible respect, but stay friends with in case they pull a W. and get elected for something.  The Worst Man will be responsible for parking cars, stiffing the caterer and picking the priest and/or minister up from prison.  And, most importantly, he will tell the blushing (teeming?) bride about the entrance thing.

 

Objections:  By now, I expect there will be plenty of these—mostly from the bride.  However, I will have it set in writing that if anybody wants to object, they must do so through song.  In other words, they will be asked to move to the front of the chapel and/or cafeteria and use music as their weapon on spewing hate, resentment and confusion as to why we were registered at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.  All in all, it will be a lovely, exciting and innovative occasion, one that will leave guests saying, “Rineman, that was probably the most exciting wedding I’ve ever been to!  It was one surprise after the other!  I can’t wait for your next one!”

 

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CAUSE & EFFECT

 

So here’s the thing: we’re not fucked.  Or maybe we are?  Who the hell knows?  If you ask me, probably this guy (a good friend whose book you should check out).  Nonetheless, yours truly did a little research on this…infamous bailout package—which to me is akin to paying for the class bully to take karate lessons so he doesn’t blow up the science lab.  Here now, for you, is a Cause & Effect Breakdown of the Whatever-Billion-Dollar Bailout Package:

 

Cause: Treasury given the power to buy up billions of dollars in mortgage-backed assets from foreign banks.

Effect: France surrenders.

           

Cause: Congress requires regular reports on the program’s status.

Effect: Surprised to learn it’s in an open relationship.

 

Cause: Treasury allowed to buy other assets if necessary to stabilize markets.

Effect: Instead of “Salma Hayek’s huge jugs,” now “The United States Treasury Presents Salma Hayek’s huge jugs.”

 

Cause: Government promises to give investors refunds if it has taken losses for five years.

Effect: Similar request made by Bruins fans.

 

Cause: The program is authorized for a two-year period.

Effect: Still likely to outlast Carson Daly.

 

Cause: The government will take a stake in companies that tap federal aid.

Effect: “Ain’t nothin’ wrong with tappin’ a federal aide!” – Bill Clinton.

 

 

Fin

 

 

Go Sox,

Jon

 

 

 


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