Last week, John McCain announced he was “suspending” his campaign to handle the financial crisis. To which the Yankees said, “Uh, yeah, us too.”
There was another bombshell today: Ralph Nader announced he was suspending his campaign to iron his suit.
Both Republicans and Democrats greeted President Bush’s $700 billion bailout plan with skepticism and anger. Said Bush, “See? Uniter, not a divider.”
Joe Biden made a a gaffe when he spoke about President Roosevelt going on television after the stock market crash in 1929, despite the fact that Roosevelt was not yet president and television had not been invented. When asked about the remarks, Biden said he was more embarrassed than President Lincoln when he lost his iPhone at Wal-Mart.
Sarah Palin met with the president of Columbia. Things grew a bit awkward, though, when Palin kept asking if he knew Juan Valdez.
It was reported that Minnesota Senatorial candidate Al Franken had ghostwritten a sketch mocking John McCain on Saturday Night Live. In a similar story, it was also reported that McCain himself may have ghostwritten the New Testament.
Last week, Bill Clinton was a guest on The View—or, as Bill calls it, “Shopping at the antiques store.”
Bill Clinton told Larry King he would wait until after the Jewish holidays to campaign for Barack Obama. In related news, Hillary said she would campaign for Obama as soon as she’s done celebrating Kwanza.
A sixth grader in Colorado was punished for wearing a t-shirt to school that read “Obama: a terrorist’s best friend.” As a result of his actions, the boy was given a suspension and his own show on Fox News.
According to new research, what people smell before they go to sleep can affect if they have negative or positive dreams. As a result, New Jersey has changed its nickname to “The Nightmare State.”
New York City’s Health Department handed out more than 300,000 matchbooks with pictures inside of blackened lungs, bulging throat cancers and other consequences of smoking. To avoid the propaganda, many smokers have been forced to take the radical step of using lighters.
After hanging upside down in Central Park, magician David Blaine told Regis and Kelly, he was disappointed by the stunt. Evidently, Blaine is a man of the people.
Metallica and Run-DMC are among the groups nominated this year for induction into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Missing out once again: Raffi.
The Elvis is Alive Museum was recently put up for sale on eBay. Ironically, it was purchased by Jimmy Hoffa.
A man in Baltimore is suing a doctor for stapling his rectum shut during an operation that made him unable to defecate for 17 days. Said the doctor, “Ah, he’s full of crap.”
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A SPORTS PIECE. IF YOU HATE SPORTS, OR CAN’T STAND PIECES, I URGE YOU TO SKIP AHEAD TO THE NEXT SEGMENT.
THE NUMBERS GAME
The Red Sox rounded out their regular season Sunday by retiring Johnny Pesky’s number 6, in what many felt was a long-overdue gesture. Pesky was one of the team’s all-time great infielders, having collected 200-plus hits in each of his first three seasons and won a pennant. I, however, commend him for his work as one of the Window Boys, since each one of their ads means one less available spot for Ernie Bach Jr.
I’ll admit, I’m a big fan of retired numbers. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are a few girls out there who’ve retired my number. KAPOW! But seriously, I think it’s cool to wonder if somebody wearing a number will wear it well enough to keep it. It seems like a cool honor.
But it’s also kinda silly, in a way. It’s not like anybody is going to see someone wearing your old number, and then assume it’s you. I doubt every time Manny Ramirez went on the road, Dwight Evans got hit with paternity suits. Irregahhhhdless…Pesky’s number being hoisted in right field opens up the debate that many more numbers could and should be eliminated from the living. Some are questionable, such as Tony Conigliaro (who deserves it in principle, but didn’t have enough time to earn it on merit), or Luis Tiant (who just wasn’t here long enough—kind of like Scatch. Remember that??)
Then there were players who played before there were jersey numbers, such as Smokey Joe Wood and Cy Young—who were also teammates with Tim Wakefield, incidentally. But here are a few numbers I think should definitely be taken out to pasture, so to speak:
26: Wade Boggs. This to me is a no-brainer by now. He’s in the Hall of Fame as a Red Sox, and only defected to New York because he was given a better offer, and found pinstripes to be thinning (much like his hair, which has since done a Biden-like 180). Boggs played in Boston for 11 seasons (tying him with Cheers), and is ranked fifth all-time in franchise hits (unless you count Wil Cordero). He had 200 or more hits seven times, was an All-Star seven times, played on the World Series team in 1986 and Pennant teams in 1988 and 1990. But more importantly, the guy actually claimed to have willed himself invisible, an ingenious excuse that I’ve begun to use while performing standup.
14: Jim Rice. First of all, the man should be in the Hall of Fame, as we all know by now. He was the most feared right-handed hitter of his era, hitting 382 home runs without sticking a needle into his buttock and having a friend misremember it. That’s good enough for third place all-time as a Red Sox (behind Williams and Yaz), and good enough for me. Additionally, he also played on World Series teams in two different eras—1975 and 1986—as well as the 1988 Morgan Magic crew. Six-time All-Star, and an MVP in 1978 in 16 seasons with the Sox. And what you don’t realize is that had Rice taken steroids, he would have hit a ball hard enough to hit the Goodyear Blimp, causing it to crash and kill dozens of people. The man sacrificed his stats to save lives.
24: Dwight Evans. His 1569 games played puts him third all-time for the Sox, behind Yaz and Williams. He played 19 seasons in Boston before he was traded, earning eight Gold Gloves and three All-Star teams (though in fairness, his mustache was named to five). 379 home runs and crucial roles on the ’75 and ’86 teams, as well as the ’88 and ’90 squads. But I think the sweetest part of this deal would be Manny Ramirez showing up in a suit to thank the team for such an honor.
21: Roger Clemens. 192 wins, tied for the most in franchise history. 2590 strikeouts, most in franchise history. 13 seasons in Boston, three Cy Youngs, an MVP, and postseason appearances in 1986, ’88, ’90 and ’95. Two 20 strikeout games—while he was still on the up and up. And who can ever misremember this commercial:
CAUSE & EFFECT
So here’s the thing: we’re fucked. Blame it on the Republicans. Blame it on the Democrats. Blame it on the rain—we’re fucked. And odds are that if you’re actually reading this site, you live a life of few luxuries already, but just in case, here is a Cause & Effect breakdown of the Economic Crisis:
Cause: Banks forced to cut costs at all levels.
Effect: Instead of lollipops, now giving kids packets of Sweet & Low.
Cause: Government rushes to warn of economic catastrophe.
Effect: Terror Alert Level raised to Pink—SLIP!!
Cause: People forced to find cheaper means of transportation.
Effect: Segway on the Pike? at best a bad choice.
Cause: Once-rich celebrities find assets evaporating.
Effect: In an ironic twist of fate, Eddie Money has no money.
Cause: You can’t afford to buy hip clothes.
Effect: You’re forced to wear lame visors and Hawaiian shirts.
Cause: Fans can’t buy a trip to the playoffs.
Effect: None (New York only).
(Leftovers for the hell of it)
Russia rattled a few feathers when it sent a warship to join military exercises in the Caribbean. When he heard the news, President Bush deployed 3,000 troops to Kokomo.
Nicole Kidman said swimming in Australian Outback waterfalls may promote fertility, and might have contributed to her unexpected pregnancy over the past year. Adding to the theory is the recent scientific discovery that Outback waterfalls are primarily made up of semen.
A New Jersey man is suing 2 men, who harbored a grudge from high-school, for allegedly used Facebook to organize an attack on him at a bar. Apparently, the suspects found the man by using the People Whose Ass You Might Want to Kick tool.
And since you’ve been good, one more Clemens Commercial…
On MSNBC’s Morning Joe, John McCain accused reporter Mika Brzezinski of being an Obama supporter, and ribbed her for never visiting the John McCain website. You know who else hasn’t visited the John McCain website? John McCain.
An attack ad by the Obama campaign accuses John McCain of being computer illiterate. In response, McCain vowed to send an angry e-mail refuting the claim, then spent ten minutes typing into his microwave.
Police in Florida shut down a major highway for six hours after a tractor-trailer overturned, spilling 3.5 million nickels all over the road. Said the driver, “If I had a nickel for every nickel I just spilled, I’d have 3.5 million more nickels.”
The US Coast guard captured a submarine-like vessel equipped with sophisticated navigation equipment and stuffed with seven tons of cocaine. Officials became suspicious when the submarine wouldn’t shut the hell up.
It’s reported that computer hackers blocked Al-Qaeda from distributing its videotape commemorating 9/11. In other words, Al-Qaeda may still be a threat, but they’re no match for our nerds.
Art created by animals in zoos around the country was auctioned off this week to raise money for conservation efforts, with a painting by a penguin selling for 180 dollars, and a painting from a lion going for 550 dollars. Failing to sell, however, was the monkey-made “Thrown Poo.”
When asked about allegations that he was sexually involved with underaged girls, singer R. Kelly told BET News, “I don’t like anyone illegal,” adding that he genuinely disliked every underage girl he’s had sex with.
NBC Universal bought The Weather Channel for 3.5 billion dollars. As a result, the station’s regular programming will now be replaced by the new series, “Law & Order: Overcast.”
Actor Ryan O’Neal and his son were arrested after police found methamphetamine on them during a sweep of their home. Authorities first became suspicious when the pair set a new land-speed record competing in a father-son wheelbarrow race.
According to a new survey 45 percent of people said they learned something new about health from watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” to which real-life doctors replied “No, you didn’t.”
According to a new study celebrity crushes are healthy and may enhance some people’s self-esteem. See, Bronson Pinchot? I’m just tryin’ to feel good about myself!
CAUSE & EFFECT
Miami residents have been forced to take cover recently because of a horrifying invasion. No, Tom Morello, I’m not talking about Cubans; I’m talking about… BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!!! Seriously, residents of three homes in north Miami had to call bee removal experts after tens of thousands of stingers took up residence. So here now is a Cause & Effect breakdown of Your Home Being Infested with Bees:
Cause: Must put on a beekeeper suit to go outside.
Effect: Constantly mistaken for being Andy Dick’s chaperone.
Cause: Call an exterminator to get rid of bees.
Effect: Worried when all he brings is a plastic bag and a pistol.
Cause: Forced to Play Loud Music To Drown Out Bee Noise.
Effect: Learn that Lou Bega only makes bees angrier.
Cause: Must keep windows closed.
Effect: Forced to piss in the toilet. What, just me? Moving on…
Cause: Tell kids bees are just making honey for Winnie the Pooh.
Effect: Easier to explain your uncle showing up in a red shirt and no pants.
Cause: Unable to carry trash to the curb.
Effect: Must hold on to your 2008 Yankees Poster.
…Just like the Yankees.
John and Cindy McCain were the guests for the entire hour of “The View” on Friday. Said the Senator, “And I thought I knew what torture was…”
It’s been noted that John McCain greets Sarah Palin with a hug, but not a kiss while in public. McCain said he generally avoids kissing, since most people try to give him CPR.
Barack Obama has become an inspiration to many songwriters who are composing songs for his campaign, while some are concerned that Republican attacks on Barack Obama could use “code” words, such as “community organizer” to make race an issue in the election. The two factors combined could help explain Snoop Dogg’s new single, “Fo Shizzle, My Community Organizzle.”
Britney Spears won 3 awards at the MTV Video Music Awards but did not sing or dance—meaning that the real winner was you, the viewer.
Lance Bass said this week that “the odds are good” for an ‘N Sync reunion in the near future—when he and the other members of the group buy tickets to see Justin Timberlake.
After using it to travel half the world, a Swiss man drove his solar-powered car into New York City last week. In related news, police are now looking for a stolen, solar-powered car.
Many zoos are using online databases to find potential mating partners for animals in captivity. Said one, “It’s just so hard to find another platypus that likes jazz.”
Federal officials on Sunday said that they will take control of failing mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in a move to stabilize the financial industry after the mortgage and credit crisis. In addition, officials said they will also work to give Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac less gay names.
A man in Washington state was sentenced to 12 years in prison after admitting that he lured his wife into putting her neck into a noose by telling her that he had set up a Halloween haunted house in their garage. Though in fairness, the woman should have been suspicious since it was Easter.
During a sold-out concert in Rome this week, Madonna dedicated her hit song “Like A Virgin” to the pope saying, “I’m a child of God. All of you are also children of God—and of me, once I adopt you.”
On Tuesday four protesters descended from a redwood at the University of California, Berkeley after 21 months in a campus grove, which they hoped to prevent from being torn down. Said one, “So how about that Studio 60? Still awesome??”
Actress Minnie Driver gave birth to a baby boy, but won’t reveal who the father is. To which John Edwards said, “I owe you one.”
A 54-year-old Wisconsin man recently ate his 23,000th Big Mac. He will be missed.
A member of the American Alvin Ailey dance troupe said he was forced to perform for Israeli airport security officers to prove his identity before he was permitted to enter the country. The jokes on them though, because the next guy they tried that with was John Tesh.
Police in Utah say actor Gary Coleman hit a fan with his truck after arguing with him over some snapshots. Police were busy investigating what led Coleman to strike the man, as well as what led the man to be a fan of Gary Coleman.
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I’ve spent some time lately going through all the monologuey jokes I’ve ever put together, narrowing them down to 40 or 50 that I hate the least. Since it’s Festival Week in Boston, and everyone’s in their showyoffist showoff moods, I thought I’d post my personal 25 favorites, from the past couple years. Hope ya like ‘em…
A German court has ruled in favor of a man who sued his hospital, after it misplaced the top of his head during brain surgery. In the settlement, the man was awarded 3,000 Euros and a hat.
The CEO of Warner Bros. has written a letter to fans, apologizing for the postponement of the latest Harry Potter film. However, he only made things worse when he began the letter “Dear Nerds.”
Dunkin Donuts announced it will stop serving anything with trans fats. As a result, they will be changing their name to Dunkin Napkins.
Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has announced plans to write a book. In related news, several Chinese gymnasts have announced plans to color one.
After complaints from women’s rights groups, the city of Atlanta is removing all “Men at Work” signs from its roads. However, all “Duran Duran” signs will remain in place.
Over the weekend, John McCain made headlines by questioning what he calls Barack Obama’s “radical ties.” Obama responded by questioning what he calls McCain’s “bitchin’ suspenders.”
In a recent interview, John McCain called Teddy Roosevelt his favorite conservative idol. In addition, he also called Roosevelt his favorite college roommate.
The Washington Times ran an article detailing John McCain’s superstitions. With him,
McCain carries a lucky penny, nickel, and quarter, as well as a lucky feather—or as Ralph Nader would call them, “campaign funds.”
At her wedding in Texas, First Daughter Jenna Bush selected “You Are So Beautiful” for her dance with her father. And for her dance with Dick Cheney, Jenna selected “Runnin’ With the Devil.”
Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have created a website on which they share lurid details of their sexual encounters with President Clinton. So far, the site has over a million hits—all from President Clinton.
A panel of researchers says that new drugs are on the way that could drastically increase human life expectancy. Thanks to these breakthroughs, they say Amy Winehouse could live to be as old as 27.
Florida has passed a law allowing citizens to shoot anyone by whom they feel seriously threatened. By the end of the day, Florida resident O.J. Simpson had been shot eight-million times.
According to the Boston Globe, high gas costs have led many people to buy smaller cars. However, experts believe most men only buy smaller cars to compensate for a giant penis.
The Sierra Nevada Corporation claims it’s ready to start selling a ray gun that can actually make people hear voices in their head. They say this may finally allow everyday people to experience what it’s like to be Paula Abdul.
American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar has signed on to be the new pitchman for Nationwide Insurance. Nationwide says this is part of its new plan to go out of business.
At Rockefeller Center, a woman driving her car went into labor, jumped the curb and struck a pedestrian—a bizarre chain of events more commonly known as the Britney Spears Tri-Fecta.
Police in Los Angeles were investigating allegations that someone may have drugged Britney Spears. So far, they’ve narrowed it down to one suspect: Britney Spears.
The city of Rome has passed a new law that prohibits people from snacking near monuments. To which Kirstie Alley said, “What about snacking on monuments?”
In St. Paul Minnesota, a 26-year-old man is facing animal cruelty charges after he went on a drunken rage and beheaded a tame duck in a hotel lobby. In related news, Aflac has announced it’s searching for a new spokesman.
In France, a man is suing a newspaper because it printed an unfavorable horoscope for his sign. Apparently, the horoscope said, “You will waste everyone’s time and look like an ass when you sue a newspaper over a horoscope.”
In New York City, there was a charity fashion show featuring dogs dressed like their celebrity owners. Matthew McConaughey’s dog wore no shirt, Britney Spears’ dog wore no pants, and Bjork’s dog wore a swan.
The value of gold and silver continues to soar to record highs. This could explain why many stockbrokers are advising clients to invest in Flavor Flav’s mouth.
While testifying in his wrongful death lawsuit, actor Robert Blake strongly denied hiring anyone to murder his wife. He then explained, “I’ve always taken pride in doing my own manual labor.”
In Philadelphia, the city’s plumbers are protesting the installation of 116 no-flush urinals—or as New Yorkers would call them, the E Train.
A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome.”
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CAUSE & EFFECT
The Obama Campaign recently made headlines by suggesting that John McCain is computer illiterate. This would anger me more, if I felt that playing solitaire of perusing TMZ were truly vital to one’s presidential competency. Nonetheless, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be computer illiterate. And so, here is a Cause & Effect Breakdown of Being Computer Illiterate:
Cause: You have neither a Facebook or a Myspace.
Effect: Only time you mention “top” friends is while planning an orgy.
Cause: You are without access to online pornography.
Effect: Must rely on the time tested combo of a Kathy Bates poster and a dream.
Cause: Friends ask if you ever check out Craigslist.
Effect: “Shindler was named Craig?”
Cause: You have no familiarity with America Online.
Effect: Upon hearing “You’ve got mail!” from your neighbor’s, accuse him of kidnapping Mr. McFeely.
Cause: Must use a typewriter to create documents.
Effect: With no spellcheck, you ask: “Is Palin spelled i-n-s-a-n-e? Or c-r-a-z-y?”
Cause: You have no access to Youtube’s endless assortment of mindless, meaningless entertainment.
Effect: Forced to watch Lifetime.
During her speech at the convention, Sarah Palin made many references to her arctic upbringings. In fact, there was one awkward moment when President Bush called and asked if she knew Santa.
Sarah Palin has five children, including a baby, and a grandchild on the way. Apparently, that was one of her major selling points for working with McCain—the ability to change diapers.
Sarah Palin is preparing to become a grandmother at age 44. In fact last week, Palin received a call from President Clinton, congratulating her on being upgraded from a MILF to a GILF.
A McCain aide says the campaign left the Convention with $200 million to spend. It actually would have been $300 million, if they hadn’t taken Bristol Palin on a shopping spree at Babys R Us.
At the convention, Fred Thompson called John McCain a “leader for all civilizations.” That’s not just a compliment; McCain actually has been a leader for all civilizations—Greek, Aztec, Mayan, Egyptian…
Hillary Clinton was quoted as saying, “We should all be proud of Governor Sarah Palin’s nomination—perhaps even proud enough to vote for her, and give others of us another chance at the Democratic nomination in 2012.”
In a recent Rasmussen poll, 52% of those surveyed said they would vote for Hillary Clinton in a presidential election, while 41% said they would vote for Sarah Palin. I don’t want to say the folks at are Rasmussen are getting bored, but I guess their next poll will ask who would win in a race between Rocky and Rambo.
The Obama campaign blasted the selection of Sarah Palin because of her lack of foreign policy experience. Obama then told reporters thank you, and retreated back inside his glass house.
In entertainment news, Heath Leger’s Joker character was named the summer’s best villain—narrowly beating out John Edwards.
While hosting the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London, Elton John and a drunken Lily Allen got into a heated fight onstage. When Allen made fun of Elton’s age, he said that he could still “smoke her under the table”—to which Amy Winehouse said, “I get the winner!”
Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren told GQ she used to do cocaine, but stopped taking the drug after learning that a Nazi war criminal profited from the trade. In a related story, Keith Richards told GQ he also used cocaine, but stopped taking it when he discovered acid and crystal meth.
In New York City, a man is accused of ripping 87 parking meters from the ground and pocketing over $6,000 in quarters. Neighbors first became suspicious when they noticed the man doing an extremely high amount of laundry.
In Brooklyn, New York, a school bus driver was suspended after he got lost, and circled around and around for five hours with a busload of kids. The good news: today, he was offered a job by Jet Blue.
In Mason, Ohio, a man won a chili eating contest by gulping down a record 11.5 pounds of chili-spaghetti. Immediately after, the man entered a nearby porto-potty, where proceeded to set another record.
The town of St. Johnsbury, Vermont has dropped its ban on fortune telling.
It was announced that Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Boy, does that John Edwards get around, or what? Hey, I had it first, at least.
According to the New York Daily News, John Edwards has been calling former staffers to beg for forgiveness in the wake of his adultery scandal. Apparently, he begins each call with “So what are you wearing?”
In an effort to “clean up” the city for the Democratic Convention, the city of Denver gave out free haircuts to the homeless. There was one awkward moment, though, when the first guy who showed up for one was Michael Dukakis.
CNN reports that President Bush may seek environmental protection for some of the world’s most pristine island chains. Bush said his plan is designed to protect “foreign” island chains, such as Hawaii.
In the largest immigration raid in U.S. history, nearly 600 illegal immigrants were detained in a raid on a manufacturing plant in Mississippi. The immigrants were booked, and then immediately deported back to Los Angeles.
Former American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar has signed on to be the new pitchman for Nationwide Insurance. Nationwide says this is part of its new plan to go out of business.
In New Haven, Connecticut, a 9-year-old Little Leaguer has been banned from pitching because he is “too good.” He throws 40 miles-per-hour and strikes everyone out—which means he’s also too good to pitch for the Orioles.
In England, an ultra-lightweight plane built from carbon fiber and powered by solar panels reportedly broke the world record for longest-lasting unmanned flight. The flight was completely unmanned—and still, it had better in-flight service than Delta.
According to British paper The Telegraph, Cher is in talks to play Catwoman in the next Batman film. Cher! Apparently they weren’t able to reach an agreement with Angela Lansbury.
A Professor from Waseda University in Japan claims that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died in 2003, and has been replaced for the past five years by a stunt double. In fact today, the man made a similar claim about Carson Daly.
Just-released satellite images have revealed a new crack on a glacier in northern Greenland. In related news, just-released paparazzi photos have revealed some old crack on Tatum O’Neal.
The Associated Press ran a story about a cat in Chicago that was born with four ears. The cat’s owners say because of this, the cat has to work twice as hard to ignore them.
After losing a bet, a Utah politician has been forced to kiss a horse. To which Prince Charles said, “At least you didn’t have to marry it.”
The co-author of the book 100 Things To Do Before You Die died after falling in his home. The irony: “Falling In Your Home” was only #98.
So everybody and their mother (poor choice of words) is talking about Sarah Palin’s daughter and the Diapergate scandal that led to the bombshell that she is in fact pregnant. When the smoke had cleared, and comedy hacks like yours truly had finished writing their “John Edwards is the dad” jokes, it was one key element to the story that stuck with me.
Evidently, the left-wing blogs (in a move akin to the “Barack is a Muslim” rumors purported by the right-wing blogs, and the “Girl that wouldn’t go out with Jon is dating a chick now” rumors, started by…never mind) had claimed that Palin’s daughter Bristol was pregnant based on photos showing what appeared to be a bump in her midsection. And of course, that’s always a sensitive topic. The old “you’re pregnant—aren’t you??” conversation well-meaning well-meaners start with seemingly pregnant preggos—only to find out the oven is empty.
Of course, the underlying insult here is that by assuming a woman is pregnant, he or she (but usually he, because we’re morons) is thereby inferring that said complimentee is some kind of chubby. And while understandably traumatic to women, imagine the degradation suffered by a penis-bearing individual in the same such circumstance.
No, nobody believes I’m with child, but I can relate when it comes to unwanted navel attention (not unwanted Naval attention—that would be more like this). I think the most uncomfortable element of being called hefty is generally one’s existing belief that he/she is in fact not. For instance, it’s rare that a sane short person can truly believe they’re not short. Yet it’s not as rare for a Grade A Lard to struggle coming to grips with their own personal lardness. That said, I had never truly believed that I was anything but thin. I’ve always been thin, and have been perceived as such. That is, until a few weeks ago at a Dunkin Donuts in downtown Boston.
Now let’s get something straight right away: Dunkin Donuts are not cool for the donuts; they’re in it for the coffee. When people say, “Oh my God, I love Dunkin Donuts!” it’s like Heather Mills saying she loved Paul for who he was. And whenever somebody eats Dunkin Donuts, seldom is it later viewed as a particularly smart choice. You never hear anybody go, “Man, am I glad I ate those 79 munchkins.” Though I do imagine that as an excellent ending should they remake Wizard of Oz.
Though I’m thin, and have always viewed myself as such, I make no apologies for the fact that I really love me some doughnuts. And so, I felt no guilt whatsoever when I went into this particular donutting hole and ordered me some donuts. “Three donuts please!” said I to the donut-keep, as I headed a line of about seven. And as though he was then injected with a booster shot of joviality, he grinned, pointed with one hand at his stomach and the other to my face, and said, “Somebody’s hungry today!”
I stood there, dumbfounded. Perhaps sensing this, he rubbed his hands around his belly, pointed at me again and said, “Somebody’s having a lot to eat!” By now, everyone in there was staring, and laughing, and before long, they too were transfixed on my stomach. It was one of the most odd and embarrassing things to occur. I thought about lying, and saying one of the donuts was for someone else, but then I’d have to get another bag. And for all I knew, he’d ask who it was for, and I’d say something stupid like my friend Bob, and he’d ask Bob who, and I’d say something like Bob Donut. No good. I was already humiliated, and there was nothing I could do.
I kept on thinking how wrong it was what this guy had done to me. Here I was, buying his donuts, and he’s giving me shit about my personal donut intake. I shared my concerns with a friend, who remarked, “What’s the big deal about you eating donuts? You’re not fat.”
That’s right, I thought. I’m not fat. I’m not that. I may be gawky, and I certainly have a shit personality—but if there’s one thing I’m not, it’s fat. And that’s that.
I began wishing I had said this to the guy at the counter, to put him in his place. Choose another chubby, Chuck or Chet or Charlton—this guy’s too skinny for your put-downs. And then it dawned on me: why not go back? I’d get to the front of the line, order my three donuts, and when he gave me shit, yell, “I can have those donuts, ‘cause I’m not fat! Nope! I’m not that.”
So, I went back the next day. Made sure I was nice and hungry. Got to the front of the line—no guy. It was somebody else. Maybe he had the day off. But since I was there, I might as well grab a couple donuts.
The next day, I go back. Nice & Hungry: Redux. Front of the line—again no guy. This happens again and again until I’d been there four days in a row, poised to seek my revenge. Alas, my nemesis was absent—but since I was there, I thought I’d have some donuts. Because who goes into a Dunkin Donuts and doesn’t buy anything? Only a crazy person.
I began to wonder if this guy had been fired for mocking someone else’s appetite. Maybe he was on vacation. Do Dunkin Donuts people get vacations? Maybe he was out scouting for other Dunkin Donutters, looking to steal away a barista or two with promises of flatbread sandwiches and Red Sox promotions. I’d give it one more try—and low and behold, there he was.
I stood in line, quietly seething. And also trembling with excitement. It was a combination of seething and excitement. It was exseethment. And it was also my turn to head the line.
There we stood. The innocent buyer, and the man who called him fat. I ordered four donuts, he said, “Oooh, somebody’s hungry today!!” just like before, and I said, “You’re damn right, I’m hungry! And I have a right to be hungry! Because I’m not fat! Nope, I’m not that!” and just as I did—two buttons flew off my shirt and landed in his fucking tip jar.
And that was that.
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CAUSE & EFFECT
A town in Georgia is trying to set a world record for most scarecrows in a town. As the Halloween season nears, here is a Cause & Effect breakdown of a Town Filled with Scarecrows:
Cause: Scarecrows built to look like people.
Effect: A confused Ralph Nader spends an hour asking each one for their support.
Cause: Scarecrows outfitted with old clothes.
Effect: Just when you thought “Frankie Say Relax” couldn’t get any more hilarious!
Cause: With crows scared away, people no longer have to worry about finding white feces on their windshield.
Effect: As problem continues, a cloud of suspicion follows mysterious neighbor Brightpoop McGee.
Cause: Lance Armstrong afraid to visit your town.
Effect: Later explains he was told you put up dozens of Sheryl Crows. Kapow!
Cause: Careful crafting leads female scarecrows to look shockingly lifelike.
Effect: Scarecrows ruined when David Duchovny tries to have sex with them.
Cause: Scarecrows mounted on wood designed to resemble Elvis, Santa and Jesus.
Effect: Jesus not amused.
KEEP IT NEAT PEEPS!