This was like getting a call and being told when my first joke would make air—a week in advance. This was like making it to the Broadway T stop in time to see the last 9 bus of the night still waiting at the intersection. This was like finding out I’m going to have sex with the girl of my dreams as she walks around the apartment naked for six hours, pointing at her body, and saying “This will be yours!” Of course, I’m not lucky enough to have any of those things happen in real life. Like the 9 bus would still be waiting at the intersection.
But that’s how it was. In my head, I always pictured the Celtics taking a tight game to win a championship. We’d realize with about four minutes to play it was in the bag, and then the anticipation would climax. People would gradually call their friends and loved ones, light up their cigars, and come to the realization that the great moment was finally in hand.
Instead, I called my parents at halftime, texted my friends in the third, and spent five minutes debating whether or not P.J. Brown should just punch Lamar Odom and call it a career. I even thought about calling my buddy Jake and continuing our long-running Celtics blowout debate: If a hungry bear was set loose down on the court in an empty arena, would it be safe to take a nap in the top row of the balcony? (For the record, I maintain that it would get confused by the escalator.)
And just like that, it was over. The one last trivial, impossible thing I had no direct control over had finally come true. I had agonized and watched helplessly ever since I was in second grade, wanting nothing more than to see the Celtics win another title. My first thought when they thought I had Lupas/Lyme/worse disease was “I never got to see the Celtics win again.” I once said to a girl, “I’d like nothing more than to be with you—except to see the Celtics win a championship.” This was it. And it was as much out of spite as love. The more people said it was stupid for me to care, I cared even more. And it finally happened.
And it did two things: it helped me realize a dream, and it made me grow up. I had no more silly childhood wishes to realize. I’d graduated from college. I got my dad’s jeep. I’d seen Brian Wilson live. Now I’d seen all the sports teams I grew up with win championships. Game over. Childhood over.
And it was time to move on. But I couldn’t get over the premise of something I waited for with such anticipation ending with such definitive success. Could it all wind up being this easy?
Could I finally get fed up with my job, and get a call at that exact moment about a better job I want more? And what’s more, could I go to the interview, and find out the only prerequisite for the position is being able to name every single WWF champion from Bob Backlund through Diesel?
Could I go to the doctor’s, and find out the reason for my arthritis is that I had a Skittle lodged in my spine since the age of 13? I was just eating Skittles one day in seventh grade, I laughed really hard at Fresh Prince, and a purple one just went haywire and got lodged in my lumbar. And not only that; they’re able to remove it, clean it, and let me eat it.
What if I got married, had a kid, struggled to secure all the best new-wave educational material to speed up his learning process—then found out the kid was one of those phenom children who can talk at birth? Actually, I’m not sure that would really be such a great thing, because while he could talk, nothing he’d say would make much sense. He’d just say random words without forming legitimate sentences—which would, in fairness, qualify him to work at the North Hampton Mattress Giant. But even if he could form thoughts, all the kid would want to talk about would be my wife’s vagina. Because that’s all he’d know. Actually, the more I think about it, that would probably be a worthwhile discussion to have. Either way, I wouldn’t have to teach my kid anything, and I think that’s what’s important.
But the Celtics finally won, and it may just be the greatest thing ever. Because you can’t argue with that. If I said them losing was the worst thing ever, you could say, “What about the Holocaust, or the time Wings was canceled?” If I said them not winning was the saddest thing ever, you could say, “But what about 9/11, or the Wings when Helen left Joe to go play her cello in New York City?” But if I say it’s the greatest thing ever, all you can do is argue, and ruin my excitement, which makes you a bad person, and all but guarantees that I’ll never, let you know what’s up with my hypothetical wife’s vagina.
WE BEAT LA.
Alas…this was not the only solomn news to strike Hollywood, which brings us to our next portion…
EFFECT: Aflac Duck forced to apologize after making Carson Daly cry.CAUSE: Lack of scripted programming leads to more reality spinoffs.
EFFECT: Farmer Wants a Wife followed by less popular Farmer Wants a Hooker Who’ll Wear a Fake Mustache.
CAUSE: Impending strike causes directors to rush completion of films.
EFFECT: Audiences surprised when new Bond film ends when villain slips and sprains his ankle.
CAUSE: Out of work actors forced to take jobs as busboys and deliverymen.
EFFECT: Dustin Diamond happy to welcome new coworkers.
CAUSE: Soap operas deprived of convincing performers.
CAUSE: With production shut down, actors spend more time watching the Lakers.
EFFECT: Wait, no they won’t, because their asses just got SACKED.
After the game, Kobe Bryant said he would go get drunk by taking a bunch of bad shots. Apparently, Kobe drinks just like he plays.
I don’t want to say the Lakers shot poorly, but after the series, they got a congratulatory phone call from Dick Cheney.
House and Senate leaders have agreed on legislation making warrantless wiretapping legal. To which the Bush Administration said, “It’s good to hear we can just start doing that now…”
The Obama campaign has apologized after it forced a couple of Muslim women standing near him at a speech to remove their scarves. In addition, they also created a controversy when they asked Al Gore to remove his lobster bib.
John McCain has challenged Barack Obama to a series of moderator-free public forums, much like the legendary Lincoln-Douglas debates. McCain said he got the idea from when he attended several of the Lincoln-Douglas debates.
Libertarian candidate Bob Barr introduced his strategy for winning the election: changing his name to Barack McCain.
Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones have created a website on which they will share lurid details of sexual encounters they had with then-Governor, and former President Bill Clinton. So far, the site has over a million hits—all from President Clinton.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has renounced a man who is claiming to be his son—to which former President Bush said, “You can do that??”
In Gloucester, MA, a group of high school girls, as young as 16 are pregnant after making a so-called pregnancy pact with one another. And when he heard the news, Roger Clemens got to work preparing his alibis.
There are now allegations that Roger Clemens used Viagra as a performance enhancing drug for baseball! I guess what gave him away was the fact that every time he went up to hit, he never bothered bringing a bat.
Police in Australia have arrested for man for drunk driving, after he was found operating his motorized wheelchair while intoxicated. There are reports the man led police on a chase reaching speeds of four miles per hour.
Scientists believe NASA’s Phoenix Mars lander has found ice on the Martian surface. The bad news: it got all the way there, before it realized it left the bucket back in the hotel room.
A 21-year-old woman is threatening to sue the town of Ashland, Oregon, if she is not allowed to ride topless on her bicycle in this year’s Fourth of July parade. Half the town’s residents say such an act would be inappropriate for a family event; the other half are men, petitioning to make her the parade’s grand marshal.
Muslim women in Europe have begun having a procedure known as a hymenoplasty, which is an operation that lets them reclaim their virginity. Don’t confuse that with Match.com; that’s the method that allows American women to claim their virginity.
In an effort to reduce air pollution, the Minneapolis City Council has ruled that running cars may not idle for more than three minutes. To which Larry Craig said, “Uh, can we still have sex at the airport?”
Newspapers in Philadelphia pulled a bit of a prank on readers, running full-page ads for a sham airline that discriminates against passengers based on their weight—after which they were immediately sued by Southwest for copyright infringement.
In Temecula, California, workers at a McDonald’s finally caught an elusive hen that had taken up residence outside the drive-thru. In related news, FREE MCNUGGETS FOR EVERYONE!!!
In Yugoslavia, the remains of a woman have been found sitting in front of her TV - 42 years after she was reported missing. Even more amazing, the Oscar telecast she had sat down to watch was just wrapping up.
Nine percent of scientists said recently they have personally seen fabrication or falsification in published studies. Meanwhile, the remaining 211% said they hadn’t.
Scientists believe that red wine could significantly slow the process of aging, but that you would have to drink several thousand bottles a day to see any effects. In related news, it was revealed today that Paula Abdul is actually 912 years old.
In an effort to better pinpoint and diagnose injuries, scientists are researching a way to add color to MRI scans. To which President Bush said, “Um, Crayola??”
President Bush has insisted that Osama bin Laden be captured before he leave office. Osama is believed to be living in the tribal region of Pakistan, or running a marathon in Alaska.
But I think this lovely anecdote establishes one thing: I do have a love for the Celtics. And as one with a love for Celtics, this is about as exciting as it gets right now. When I moved back to New England from Los Angeles last year, I reasoned that I may be ruining my shot at any kind of career, and I may be throwing away some second and third chances at things in life I’d never get again…but at least I’d have Dunkin Donuts, and maybe the Celtics would win one while I was there to see it. Not alive, just in New England. I’m not dying or anything. I hope. That would really suck, if I died after writing this. How stupid would I look? Here’s hoping I don’t. Knock on wood. *Knock*.
And here we are, June 2008, and the Boston Celtics are facing the Los Angeles Lakers of Hell in the NBA Finals. This is the ultimate. This is getting stuck in an elevator with Mike Love and Brian Wilson. This is going on a weekend to Cambria with the girl that got away. This is finding a broken meter with no one-hour restriction. This is the chance to go back in time, to my childhood, and see the one last thing I as a young sports fan never got to see: Banner 17.
In a way, it’s eerily fitting. Even if the Celtics lose, it’s still a Celtics-Lakers Finals. If fate says, “Hey, let’s fuck with that guy!” and takes me to another city, how could I argue the timing? I finally got to see the Big One. What more is there to relish? I would have experienced the greatest trivial pleasure possible, seeing the Celtics finally go all the way, making all those nights watching Todd Day, Dana Barros, Travis Knight and Mark Blount worth it. It would be the coolest of the cool.
Some people ask me, “Douchebag, how cool would it really be for the Celtics to win a title?” Well, U. Jerkowitz, it’s hard to fathom. It’s pretty much impossible to list six specific examples of trivial and unlikely transpirations that would tickle my so-called fancy similarly. What? You want to hear six specific examples? Oh, come on. I don’t have time for that! The younger people in the audience would probably just be bored!
Okay, by show of genitalia, how many people out there really want to see some examples of things that would rival the Celtics winning a championship? Whoa! That’s a lot of privates going up! Okay, here now, is a list of things that would come close:
A Health Benefit from Soda: Think about it. Everything else has a good one. People say drinking red wine can make you live longer. Smoking pot can be used for medicinal purposes. There’s even a study that says smoking cigarettes lowers the risk of getting Alzheimer’s—probably due to the fact you’d never live long enough to get Alzheimer’s. But why can’t there be anything good about drinking soda? Like, drinking soda makes you hear awesome, or drinking soda is great for your nads. And if you’re a woman, the nads-benefit can be passed over to your husband/boyfriend through bodacious banging. Nothing’s hotter than some Cherry Coke and a romp.
My Piss Can Fuel Cars: How great would this be? With gas prices at an all-time high, we could all benefit from some Jon urine making that car go vroom. The prices would be lower, but only ladies would have a self-serve option/mandate. I’d be making money hand over fist. I’d never jack up the prices. And there’d never be a fuel shortage, on account of the soda-drinking. Hey, a good thing about drinking soda! That’s a two-for, my friends.
Andy Kaufman is Still Alive: This would be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary comedian would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one famous person thought dead has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Andy Rooney is Still Alive: This would also be pretty cool. Not just because a legendary broadcaster would essentially be back from the dead, but it would prove something I’ve theorized for a long time: at least one 60 Minutes guy has to still be alive. With all the money they have, and all the resources available to them, it’s naïve to think at least one of them wouldn’t be able to fake his own death.
Drew Barrymore Dumps the Mac Guy: Seriously, screw that dude. Why is she dating him? If it’s dorky, skinny guys she’s after, you’d think she could do better. Maybe somebody who hasn’t thrown up in nearly eight years. Perhaps somebody who can name every WWF champion from Bob Backlund all the way to Diesel. Possibly someone who has twice seen a police horse running down the street with no policeman on top. And don’t forget, his dong could make your car go.
The Beach Boys Reunite: Think about it: an album of new material, featuring contemporary artists. Do like Santana, and release a couple singles. Steven Page could take over a lead written for Carl, and Amy Winehouse could snort some coke purchased by Dennis. It would be another impossible becoming a possible, and my balls would never be prouder—on, or ripped off.
EFFECT: Bryant’s wife hires Bill Belichick to follow and tape the bastard.CAUSE: Finals played in state where gambling is prohibited.
EFFECT: Refs forced to place bets at Twin River.
CAUSE: Lakers fan Jack Nicholson razzed by Celtics fans.
EFFECT: Celtics fan Donnie Wahlberg razzed by Lakers and Celtics fans.
CAUSE: Celtics ready Duck Boats for possible victory parade.
EFFECT: Due to high gas prices, boats to be pushed by members of the Bruins.
CAUSE: Pau Gasol poised to team with Kobe for the long-haul.
EFFECT: Gasol becomes prime example of foreigner willing to do a job most Americans won’t.
A panel of researchers is saying that new drugs and scientific breakthroughs are on the way that could drastically increase human life expectancy. In fact, they say Lindsay Lohan could live to be as old as 26.
Ratings for this year’s Stanley Cup Finals were up 79%. Sadly, the mullet rate has remained the same.
A recent study shows that 70% of British people are cremated. And half of them are then snorted by Amy Winehouse.
A restaurant in Detroit has introduced a new 134-pound hamburger. It’s called the “Absolutely Ridiculous Burger,” which I believe is followed by the “Totally Predictable Coronary.”
The Florida Marlins have introduced a new plus-sized cheerleading squad comprised completely of fat guys. Earlier today, each one of the guys tested positive for Twinkies.
Police were investigating allegations that somebody drugged Britney Spears. The number one suspect: Britney Spears.
A British study has found the number of adults who have trouble with basic arithmetic is one in four—or, 20%.
The value of gold and silver continues to soar to record highs. In fact, the most expensive piece of real estate on the market: Flavor Flav’s mouth.
A new study shows that in the U.S., one in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted disease. To which R. Kelly said, “You’re welcome!”
A British company has created a security device that sees right through people’s clothes. And because it’s British, it comes with a warning: Do Not Point Directly at Camilla.
In an NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, 45% of voters said they now view former President Bill Clinton in a negative light, while 42% see him in a positive one. In fact, Bill’s popularity is so low, he’s having to settle for skinny chicks.
In Ness City, Kansas, officials discovered a woman who had been sitting on her boyfriend’s toilet for as long as two years. They said this was either a horrible case of abuse, or the result of a misguided trip to the Wienerschnitzel.
According to Paula Abdul, Bob Dylan wore a disguise to sneak into multiple tapings of American Idol. The scary part: Bob Dylan and Sanjaya—have never been seen at the same time.
China has warned that for the Olympics, cabs cannot be driven by anyone with red hair or excessive jewelry, which is really bad news for this cabbie: http://www.sitcomsonline.com/nickatnitetvlandpromos/threescompanyphotogallery/openingcredits/openingcredits-lindley-04.jpg
A former doctor could be sentenced to as much as 50 years in prison after pleading guilty to stealing body parts from corpses. The worst part? His legal feels could cost him an arm and a leg.