THE BEST 50 JOKES OF 2009!!!

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POLITICS

John McCain announced he would vote against the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, saying that while she has an interesting backstory, she doesn’t have the proper qualifications.  Gee, who would ever pick a woman like that for something, John McCain?

Barack Obama’s physician reports the president is in great shape, saying “The guy is built like a rock, he could probably bench-press me.” Then he said the same thing about Michelle Obama.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy recently indicated that President Obama is “weak” and “indecisive.”  Then he said, “In other words, he’s our kind of guy.”   

Nancy Pelosi met with Pope Benedict at the Vatican.  The Pope told Pelosi that Catholic politicians have a duty to protect life at all stages of its development, urged her to embrace a prolife philosophy, and asked her, “What the hell happened to your eyes?”

At her swearing-in ceremony, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton referenced husband Bill Clinton’s affairs, saying that she was “so grateful to him for a lifetime (pause for effect) of all kinds of experiences.”  In response, Bill thanked Hillary “for being such a (pause for effect) bitch.”

NBC canceled Ann Coulter’s scheduled appearance on the Today Show.  If you still want to hear what Coulter has to say, just turn off the lights and say her name three times into a mirror.

South Carolina Congressman Gresham Barrett will reportedly donate his $4,700 raise to charity.  That’s right, he’s going to buy a Chrysler.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election.  He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.

NATION

Scientists at Northwestern University have found that people who are most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation. When asked to explain their findings, the scientists said “Priests.”

A new study finds that the rate of childhood obesity in the United States has tripled since 1984.  In fact if they were around today, The Fat Boys would just be known as The Boys.

A Southwest Airlines flight on its way to Orlando made an emergency landing in Long Island after a flight attendant smelled smoke in the cabin – but it turns out there was no smoke or fire and the plane landed for nothing. Hey flight attendant—wanna get away?

A new study finds that divorce can hurt a person’s health, due to loss of sleep, stress, and lack of exercise. To which John Gosselin said, “I’ll take my chances.”

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as she was texting while walking. Or as she put it, “OMG I Just FIAOM!”

Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City.  Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.

In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”

A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs.  The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.

The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.

Radio giant Clear Channel announced it is cutting 590 jobs due to the recession.  The way they made the cuts was pretty insensitive; apparently, they told their employees, “If you want to keep your job, just be the twelfth caller!”

In Quartz Hill, California, a 17-year-old girl used a marching band baton to fight off two would-be muggers.  To show you how rough the neighborhood is, it happened during a parade.    

The CEO of AirTran wants the airline to be the first to fly from the U.S. to Cuba if travel restrictions are lifted.  Travelers could expect limited perks, stale food and zero internet access—and the flight over there would be even worse.                       

In New York, a group of scientists say they have created an alternative to Viagra that can be applied by rubbing it directly into the skin.  I just hope they don’t hire the same ad guys as HeadOn.

iTunes is now charging users $1.29 for new downloadable music, up from just 99 cents.  The good news: you can now save an extra 30 cents when you download it illegally.

Caseworkers in Arizona have discovered a new trend of older couples looking to adopt school-age children—or, as it’s normally called, “kidnapping.”

In New York, two dozen people auditioned to become a clown with Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus.  Not surprisingly, they all arrived in the same car.

In Arizona, a man was arrested after authorities discovered 1,400 pounds of marijuana hidden in a semitrailer he was driving.  Authorities believe the 1,400 pounds of marijuana was either being delivered to a large-scale drug cartel, or a whale with glaucoma.      

A man in Pennsylvania faced up to 37 years in prison for tearing open a neighbor’s door with a chain saw after someone parked in front of his house.  People inside weren’t sure if the man was just angry, or the most aggressive Jehovah’s Witness ever.

It was reported that one of the celebrities who lost money in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi scheme was actor John Malkovich.  Man, guess it sucks being him.

WORLD

India’s Hindu nationalist movement has announced plans to market a soft drink made from cow urine.  They’re calling it “Tab.”

In Naples, Italy, thousands of people marched in the streets to protest the mafia.  They will be missed.

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea.  The women said they were humiliated, degraded, forced to do unspeakable things—and that was just on the plane with Clinton.

The North Korean State Media is reporting that President Clinton apologized for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an apology.  And I believe him; after all, when Bill Clinton denies something, you can take it to the bank.

Facebook is testing a new service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. It’s basically a stripped-down version of Facebook with fewer features and capabilities—or as we call it in America, “Myspace.”

A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang.  Here’s a tip: the hot dogs—are just that.

ENTERTAINMENT

A producer on the CW’s “One Tree Hill” is hoping to turn the 2004 movie “The Notebook” into a Broadway musical—or as men are calling it, “a perfect storm of agony.”

Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna.  Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….

Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week.  They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.

Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart.  Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.

Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man.  So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.

It was reported that Madonna and her boyfriend would have a commitment ceremony at a Kabbalah center in New York this weekend.  They would have done it last weekend, but the kid didn’t want to miss his prom.

Fox is creating a new dating show called “More to Love,” which will feature husky guys dating plus-size women.  Either way, the show will likely do better than it would have under its original title, “Knockin’ Cankles.”

SPORTS

Charles Barkley was released from prison after three days rather than five for his New Year’s DUI conviction, due partly to jail overcrowding. The amazing part: he was the only one in it.

In a new interview with “Details” magazine, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady calls his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, a “girl version” of himself—which is ironic, because that’s how we New England fans describe Peyton Manning.

President Obama threw out the first pitch at last week’s All-Star game.  Before the game, Rush Limbaugh said he hoped he balked.

Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.

Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home.  Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals.  That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.    

As a result of testing positive for a banned substance, Manny Ramirez will have to sit out 50 games.  So, it’ll be just like any other season.

THREE BEST

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(AND ONLY)

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VISUALS

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo:

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In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5^th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5^th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

In Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5th Avenue after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

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Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

Phil Spector was found guilty of murder in Los Angeles.  Did you see his mugshot?  Is it just me, or have I seen this one before?…

THE JONOLOGUE

MTV is leaving its studio in Times Square at the end of the year because the rent is too expensive. Fittingly, they’ll be moving in with my parents.

President Obama attended a town hall meeting in New Hampshire to discuss his health care proposal. While there, his Secret Service codename was The Black Guy.

At the meeting in Portsmouth, President Obama said that “health insurance will be there for you when it counts, not just when you’re paying premiums.” And here’s the impressive part: he almost got through it without laughing.

During his town hall meeting in New Hampshire, President Obama mistakenly said two times that the AARP supports his health care plan – but the organization has not endorsed any plan yet. This could explain his new Secret Service codename: Joe Biden.

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office last week. He previously interviewed Joe Biden. And here’s the amazing part: at the beginning of the Biden interview, he was only eight.

An 11-year-old student interviewed President Obama in the Oval office yesterday.  In his final question, the boy asked Obama, “When I interviewed Vice President Joe Biden, he became my homeboy. Would you like to become my homeboy?” To which Obama said, “Well, if Biden’s one of your homeboys…then no, not really.”

John Mackey, the CEO of Whole Foods, said this week that eating “whole foods” is a better alternative to President Obama’s health care plan. Ironically, a trip to Whole Foods costs about the same amount of money.

John Edwards finally admitted he was the father of his mistress’ baby, after originally denying it, telling ABC news: “Absolutely not true.” When asked about it today, Edwards said, “Uh…Opposite Day?”

Dick Cheney said that George Bush stopped taking his advice during the second term of the administration.  This could explain why Bush didn’t shoot anyone in the face.

Sarah Palin posted on her Facebook page that President Obama’s health care plan would create “death panels” to evaluate the health of “unproductive” members of society. Not only that—she also became a fan of glasses.

Happy Birthday to Fidel Castro, who turned 83. To mark the occasion, his buddies got him a box of American cigars.

One day after GM’s claim that its new electric car – the Chevy Volt – would get 230 miles per gallon, Nissan announced that its electric car – the Leaf – can achieve 367 miles per gallon. To which GM said, “Oh yeah?  Well…ours turns into a robot…”

Nissan announced on its Twitter feed that its electric car, the Leaf, gets “367 mpg, no tailpipe, and no gas required.  Oh yeah, and it’ll be affordable too.” GM said they’d tweet about their new electric car…except they can’t afford internet.

The wife of Twitter’s CEO posted updates on Twitter while she gave birth, saying “Dear Twitter, My water broke,” and “Epidural, yes please.” In related news, her baby posted updates saying “Don’t cut that!” and “Why’s this guy slapping my ass?”

FOX will air a two-hour special on Nadya Suleman called “Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage” on August 19. It focuses on the struggles, complications and burdens of a mother raising a bunch of kids all by herself—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Jon & Kate Plus 8 I’m thinking of.

In an interview with the “Today” show yesterday, Kate Gosselin said that she still wears her wedding ring for the sake of her eight children. In a separate interview, Jon Gosselin said he still wears his wedding ring because “It’s a chick magnet!!”

Heidi Montag says she plans to get more plastic surgery done in the future, possibly bigger breasts for her husband, Spencer Pratt. I don’t know about you, but I think Spencer’s breasts are fine just the way they are.

Hugh Hefner’s former girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, posted on her blog that she is having a baby boy, due on Christmas Day. I don’t want to say Hugh might be the father, but in the sonogram, the baby’s wearing a smoking jacket.

In a new interview with “Details” magazine, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady calls his supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen, a “girl version” of himself—which is ironic, because that’s how we New England fans describe Peyton Manning.

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KAAAAAAA-POW!!!

Tim McGraw and the Black Eyed Peas will perform at the NFL’s season opener between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Tennessee Titans. Good, because whenever I hear “My Humps,” I think, “This would sound so much better with Tim McGraw!”

Michael Vick signed a two-year deal with the Philadelphia Eagles – three weeks after he was reinstated by the NFL. Well, like I always say—every dog has his day.

After he was signed, Vick couldn’t wait to get out on the practice field.  He said he was chomping at the bit.

Vick can start practices immediately, but will not be able to play until Week 6 of the NFL season. Until then, they’re just going to let sleeping dogs lie.

However, PETA plans to really hound him.

There was even a rumor Vick could switch to a position other than quarterback while he gets back into shape.  I don’t know, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks.

The Olympic Committee voted to add golf to the 2016 Olympic Games.  They say it’ll give golfers from every nation the chance to lose to Tiger Woods

NBC just signed a new deal to air more live gymnastics events through 2012. Even more amazing is that all the Chinese gymnasts who will be competing that year haven’t even been born yet.

NASA is planning to use $50 million of federal stimulus money to develop a commercial passenger service to space. Not to be outdone, Southwest announced they were offering flights to Jupiter starting at 20 bucks.

A website in Australia is letting users send text messages to the planet Gliese 581d – which is the nearest Earth-like planet outside the solar system.  The messages will take 20 years to be delivered—since the planet uses AOL.

A Japanese man pressed the emergency stop button on a commuter train because he needed an excuse for being late to work. The bad news is the man was arrested; the good news—he got that excuse.

In Florida, an 87-year-old woman killed a rattlesnake with her bare hands after it bit her. I’m not all that surprised—I mean, have you seen Madonna’s arm’s lately?

A recent study by Broadcasting & Cable found that DVR users fast forward through Paula Abdul’s comments more than any other judge on American Idol.  And here’s the amazing part: when you hit fast-forward, Paula’s actually easier to understand.

Steven Tyler is finally talking about his fall from the stage during an Aerosmith concert last week, saying “I zigged when I should have zagged.” So apparently, he has a concussion.

Nobody was injured when a man with a machete burst into a church in Brooklyn and shouted “I got something to say.” However, everyone was annoyed when he forgot what it was.

A grandmother in England lost a $3,000 antique diamond ring when it was swallowed by a piglet. The good news: if she’s patient, she’ll get it back.

A new study from the University of Massachusetts finds that, when we talk to strangers, we lie about four times every 10 minutes. Nah, it’s actually three times every 10 minutes. See? There’s one right there.

A Russian woman was arrested after she threw a ceramic coffee cup at the Mona Lisa in Paris. Fortunately for her, the victim refused to testify.

A Muslim woman in Paris went to a public pool wearing a “Burquini,” which covers the person from head-to-toe. Because if there’s one way to really smight Allah, it’s tan lines.

Rapper Sir Mix-A-Lot turned 46 last week. I still gotta get him a gift…Anyone know what he likes?

And finally…

Facebook is testing a new service called Facebook Lite for countries with limited Internet connections. It’s basically a stripped-down version of Facebook with fewer features and capabilities—or as we call it in America, “Myspace.”

Fin

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Two REALLY BIG shows this weekend, folks, and I hope to see you at one or both of them.  I’ll be opening for JUSTON MCKINNEY at Mottley’s Comedy Club at Faneuil Hall in Boston on Friday and Saturday, which each show starting at 8 pm.  Juston McKinney is a national headliner, has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno twice, did a Comedy Central Presents and is getting ready to shoot another special this fall.  Local guy (Portsmouth/Kittery), very funny, and you should definitely come.  And the good news is that I’ll be doing at least 20 before he closes, so you’ll get to see (close to, but not quite) the kitchen sink at a good price with no drink minimums or any of that.  Tickets are available HERE.

The blog is going on a two-week hiatus, but I should see you back on September 7.  Stay tuned.

THE JONOLOGUE

According to a new survey by the Daily News, eight out of ten women said they feel guilty after shopping. Meanwhile, the other two were honest.

The Yankees swept the Red Sox in a four-game series at the new Yankee Stadium.  Today, David Ortiz tested positive for disappointment.

Two American journalists were reunited with their families on American soil after former President Bill Clinton successfully negotiated their release from North Korea.  The women said they were humiliated, degraded, forced to do unspeakable things—and that was just on the plane with Clinton.

The North Korean State Media is reporting that President Clinton apologized for the journalists’ behavior, but now Clinton denies ever making an apology.  And I believe him; after all, when Bill Clinton denies something, you can take it to the bank.

Kim Jong-il was initially offered a photo-op with Al Gore in exchange for the release of the two American journalists, but refused.  When asked why, Kim Jong-Il Said, “A conversation with him is torture even by our standards.”

President Obama will travel to the Grand Canyon next week. He’s planning on bringing Joe Biden and no witnesses.

The Obama family will visit several national parks next week during a “fee-free” weekend.  That’s when you can tell the economy is bad—when even the President’s freeloading. 

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John McCain announced he would vote against the appointment of Sonia Sotomayor, saying that while she has an interesting backstory, she doesn’t have the proper qualifications.  Gee, who would ever pick a woman like that for something, John McCain?

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo:

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

47 Continental Airlines passengers were kept on the runway in Rochester, Minnesota for nine hours Friday night because of thunderstorms. Couples took turns joining the Still-on-the-Runway Club. 

“G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra” and “Julie & Julia” went head-to-head this weekend at the box office. This could explain the scene where Julia makes quiche with Sgt. Slaughter.

The 22^nd Annual Shark Week broadcast just wrapped up on the Discovery Channel.  This year’s focus was shark attacks. As opposed to last year’s, which was shark good deeds.

Bob Dylan will release a new album of Christmas songs this fall.  And you thought Alvin and the Chipmunks were hard to understand.

Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler fell off the stage while singing “Love in an Elevator” at a concert in South Dakota. Witnesses said he was lovin’ it up, then he hit the ground.

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

Heidi Montag of “The Hills” is on the cover of September’s Playboy Magazine. Meanwhile, Spencer Pratt is on the cover of September’s Douche Illustrated.

Orlando Magic forward Rashard Lewis tested positive for elevated testosterone levels and was suspended by the NBA for 10 games. Officials became suspicious when he led the NBA in home runs.

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  In related news, her husband must clear all spending of five cigarettes or more with the trustees handling his assets.

Or…

A court in New York has ruled that Ruth Madoff must clear all spending of $100 or more with the trustees handling her husband’s assets.  That’s odd—I thought the only one handling his assets was his cellmate.

A woman in Alaska was sentenced to 20 days in jail for letting her 7-year-old son drive while she was passed out drunk in the passenger seat. Man, it’s a good thing she’s not governor anymore.

Speaking of sharks, in Miami, a dead shark was found in the middle of 5^th Avenue, after a couple of guys who caught it couldn’t sell it to a restaurant.  Police have released this shot of the crime scene:

A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression. 

his could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

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A Spanish toymaker has developed a new breastfeeding doll for young girls. And you thought it was embarrassing when your son wanted to play with a Barbie.

A new study in the Archives of General Psychiatry finds that children as young as 3 years old can experience depression.  This could explain why today, Dora the Explorer asked viewers to help her find a really tall bridge.

Scientists at Northwestern University have found that people who are most confident about their self-control are the most likely to give into temptation. When asked to explain their findings, the scientists said “Priests.”

New figures show that dentists in England and Wales earn an average of $151,000 each year—clearly doing something other than dentistry.

Researchers from the National Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio found that cheerleading causes the most serious sports injuries among high school and college athletes. But most of those are just male cheerleaders who get their asses kicked.

A Staten Island woman successfully sued Little League Baseball for $125,000 for not teaching her son how to properly slide, after the boy hurt his knee while attempting to slide into second base.  The woman knew there could be trouble when she met his coach—Stumpy McGee.

Police in Wyoming tasered a 76-year-old man for driving an antique tractor in a parade. Good luck with that beer summit.

Adam Lambert revealed that his fans have started throwing sex toys – such as leather whips and glow-in-the-dark handcuffs – on stage while he sings during the American Idol summer tour. And I guess the ladies throw a lot of stuff, too.

It was last week in 1892 that Andrew and Abby Borden were axed to death in their Massachusetts home, with their daughter Lizzie charged with their deaths. She was acquitted of the murders, but would later be sent to prison after she tried to steal back some sports memorabilia in Vegas.

The Nevada Supreme Court is considering letting O.J. Simpson out of prison while it reviews his conviction for kidnapping and armed robbery.  Apparently, police have been complaining about being really bored.

THIS IS THE WORST GROANER OF ALL TIME.  IT IS BY FAR THE WORST JOKE EVER PRINTED ON THIS SITE, AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE IT MAKES SENSE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED…

Anna Paquin is engaged to Stephen Moyer – her co-star on HBO’s “True Blood,” a show about vampires. If you want to buy them a present, they’re registered at Bed, Bats and Beyond.

And finally…

A man in Kenya offered Hillary Clinton 20 cows for her daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage. Right idea, wrong Clinton.  

That’s three—three—Clinton jokes.  That’ll teach him to go save people’s lives!

Fin

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Here’s what I gots to say: I’m in Sebago Lake, Maine TONIGHT opening for the one and only TONY V at Point Sebago.  So if by some stroke of luck you’re there, come.

Also, I will be at Mottley’s Comedy Club NEXT weekend, opening for the one and only JUSTON MCKINNEY on both Friday and Saturday nights.  The shows are at 8, and tickets can be purchased HERE.

Have a good one!

THE JONOLOGUE

Happy Birthday to President Obama.  Tomorrow he turns 48—wait, I’m sorry, that’s his approval rating.

President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to an all-time low of 48%. President Bush said it looks like he’s finally getting the hang of things.

Barack Obama’s physician reports the president is in great shape, saying “The guy is built like a rock, he could probably bench-press me.” Then he said the same thing about Michelle Obama.

President Obama drank beer with Sergeant James Crowley and Professor Henry Louis Gates at the White House. There was actually an awkward moment when one of them asked for something stiffer, and Nancy Pelosi showed up.

Gates said he and Sergeant James Crowley may go to a Boston Red Sox or Celtics game together. Sergeant Crowley had originally suggested a Bruins game, to which Gates said, “You’re kidding, right?”

President Obama’s Cabinet gathered this weekend for a retreat at Blair House to mark the administration’s sixth month in office. The whole thing is being paid for by money they still owe the IRS.

It was revealed the White House makes visiting politicians pay for their own lunches. They made the rule after a surprise visit from Al Gore.

Sarah Palin’s lawyer threatened to serve libel papers to a kindergarten teacher in Alaska for posting on her blog that she and her husband, Todd, are getting a divorce. If true, this would’ve been the second thing this summer Palin quit right in the middle of.

It’s rumored that Sarah Palin will get her own radio talk show next year. And here’s the weird part: her sidekick will be Baba Booey.

Senator John McCain has 1.1 million followers on Twitter. But in fairness, most of them are just following him to make sure he doesn’t wander off.

A presidential panel voted on Wednesday to allow private firms to operate commercial flights to the International Space Station. And you thought your Southwest flight to Vegas was rough.

Howard Dean guest hosted “Countdown” last week while Keith Olbermann was on vacation. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich just did a guest spot on Little People, Big World.

Washington, D.C. newspaper “The Hill” released its list of the 50 most beautiful people on Capitol Hill, with Representative Martin Heinrich of New Mexico comes in at number 1.  Better luck next time, Henry Waxman.

The Senate Finance Committee has discussed imposing a 10 percent tax on unnecessary cosmetic surgery – including hair transplants and Botox injections. Today, Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi discussed a 100% beatdown on the Senate Finance Committee.

California signed an $85 million budget on Tuesday which contains cuts to child welfare programs, health care for the poor and AIDS prevention efforts. Rush Limbaugh said it’s moments like this that make him proud to be an American.

It was on Thursday in 1956 the phrase “In God We Trust” was adopted as the U.S. national motto.  Up ‘til then, everybody thought God was a real poser.

The British Army is warning that many of its soldiers have become so fat that they couldn’t be deployed to conflict zones. To which the soldiers said, “Exactly.”

A new study finds that the rate of childhood obesity in the United States has tripled since 1984.  In fact if they were around today, The Fat Boys would just be known as The Boys.

New research finds that juices, tea and energy drinks can erode, shrink and stain teeth. The researchers arrived at their conclusion by reading the ingredients.

A man in Albuquerque, New Mexico has developed a device that converts Mountain Dew into fuel for car engines. The only downside to using Mountain Dew is that it supposedly lowers your car’s sperm count.

A man in Florida was arrested after he tried to get money from his roommate by attacking him with a wooden carving and a coconut. Apparently, he had been taking fighting lessons from Gilligan.

Wendy Maguire, a single mother, who’s also the mother of Tobey Maguire, will star in new reality show about Hollywood.  It’ll be like Denise Richards’ show, except it won’t make God cry.

Penn State was rated the number 1 party school of 2009 by Princeton Review.  University of Florida was #2.  Coming in a surprising third: Devry Institute Online.

1-800-Flowers.com will open a retail store on Facebook – the company already has applications on Blackberry and the iPhone. The company says this is all part of its plan to make sending flowers to someone even more impersonal.

A new study finds that divorce can hurt a person’s health, due to loss of sleep, stress, and lack of exercise. To which John Gosselin said, “I’ll take my chances.”

Kid Rock said in a Rolling Stone interview that “Twitter is gay” and that if anything relevant he has to say he will “bottle it up and then squeeze it onto a record somewhere.” So if you buy one of Kid Rock’s records, you may want to get it sterilized.

Due to positive feedback from listeners, Whitney Houston will move up the date of her comeback album “I Look to You” from September 1 to August 31. They’re moving it up a whole day.  This is great news if you’re a Whitney Houston fan—and a moth.

Shaquille O’Neal revealed on his Twitter page that he was denied entry to the White House on Monday after he walked up to the front gate, asking if he could see President Obama. Also, it probably didn’t help that he was dressed as Kazam the Rapping Genie.

A trapper in Florida caught a 14-foot python snake in a drainage pipe near a day care center. In related news, the daycare center can probably call off the search for little Jonathan.

A teenager in England tracked down a gang that stole his iPhone by using “Find My iPhone” app on the new 3GS version, which allows users to track down their phones if they are lost or stolen. Unfortunately, that didn’t stop him from being ambushed when he burst into their lair with his laptop and yelled “Aha!”

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

A man in Illinois is accused of stealing more than $45,000 worth of eyeglasses because he enjoys being around eyewear. However, the guy says he’s been framed.

And finally…

A new survey from Wharton and Northwestern finds that big spenders tend to marry big savers. So I guess Michelle Obama is a big saver.

Fin

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THE JONOLOGUE

A Southwest Airlines flight on its way to Orlando made an emergency landing in Long Island after a flight attendant smelled smoke in the cabin – but it turns out there was no smoke or fire and the plane landed for nothing. Hey flight attendant—wanna get away?

President Obama’s primetime press conference marked his sixth month in office.  That’s good news for Obama, because he’s finally eligible for dental and paid vacation days.

During his interview on “The View” Tuesday, David Hasslehoff said that President Obama is “doing a great job, but he needs to be a little more entertaining.” Obama said he values Hasselhoff’s opinion, but still wants to hear Eric Estrada’s take.

This August, President Obama will rent Blue Heron Farm, a 28.5 acre vacation spot on Martha’s Vineyard. It has three separate residences, a swimming pool, a driving range, a small basketball court, and—most importantly—no bowling alley.

President Obama called on bloggers Monday to keep pressure on Congress about passing the healthcare reform bill. Because if there’s anyone who can jumpstart healthcare, it’s Perez Hilton.

Joe Biden wrote an Op-Ed piece in the Sunday New York Times defending the use of the $787 billion in President Obama’s economic Recovery Act. The piece was 800-words—or as Biden put it, “A short blurb.”

Sarah Palin and her husband Todd packed up their possessions at the Governor’s mansion in Juneau, Alaska before she officially resigned. They divided everything into two categories: air rifles and moose heads.

During her annual picnic in Wasilla on Friday, Sarah Palin told her guests to “never apologize for being Americans.” Then she let out a belch and crushed a beer can on her head.

Robert Buck–Times Square’s “Naked Cowboy”–announced his run for New York City Mayor. I think we can rule out at least one campaign question: “Boxers or briefs?”

Prison inmates in New York City are suing the Department of Corrections for isolating them for up to 23 hours a day in their cells. Man, I hope this doesn’t give prison a bad name.

Three mayors in New Jersey were arrested along with several rabbis and state lawmakers for laundering millions of dollars through Jewish charities. If convicted, they could face the stiffest of penalties: being forced to remain in New Jersey.

The U.S. Government bought 195 million doses of the swine flu vaccine, preparing for a massive outbreak in the fall. So we better get sick, or else they’ll really look silly.

Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall, where people can leave their prayers, now has its own Twitter page where people can tweet prayers that will be printed out and taken to the wall. It’s described as perfect for people who are religious and lazy about it.

Director Sam Raimi has been tapped to direct the “World of Warcraft” movie based on the popular online game. Raimi says he hopes the movie does the impossible: make the Harry Potter crowd look tough.

Scenes from next year’s “Iron Man 2” and the “Twilight” sequel were screened at Comic-Con. However, all sex scenes were cut, since they would just confuse everybody.

A producer on the CW’s “One Tree Hill” is hoping to turn the 2004 movie “The Notebook” into a Broadway musical—or as men are calling it, “a perfect storm of agony.”

Scientists have found new evidence suggesting that a modern human stabbed and killed a Neanderthal man 75,000 years ago. To which O.J. said, “Man, that Real Killer really got around!”

Scientists at NASA found evidence that a possible comet the size of Earth hit Jupiter last week. However, Jupiter’s still telling friends it walked into a door.

Scientists are saying that it takes children an average of 26 minutes to fall asleep. Which is actually pretty good—when you consider there was a guy in a lab coat there watching them.

A new survey among British men says proposing marriage is nearly as scary as swimming with sharks. But neither is as scary as proposing to a shark.

77 of Texas’s 254 counties are in severe drought, and officials are asking residents to stop using unnecessary water. So it looks like President Bush will have to find another place to use his Slip ‘n Slide.

A high school principal in West Virginia was fired for jumping on top of a pile of students during a cafeteria food fight. He didn’t’ do himself any favors when he yelled “Pig pile!”

Fox News reports that Osama bin Laden has as many as 45 kids. As a result, he’s been named an honorary Knick.

Michael Vick was released from federal custody, making him eligible to lobby for a return to football. However, experts say Vick has a long way to go before he’s out of the commissioner’s doghouse.

Samantha Ronson threw a bag of ex-girlfriend Lindsay Lohan’s clothing into the street after they got into a fight. That sounds mean, until you realize that’s now where Lindsay’s living.

A man in Ohio was arrested for making terrorist threats when he yelled at a telemarketer offering to extend his auto-service contract. Ironically, he was arrested just as he was sitting down to dinner.

Apple has approved an iPhone app that helps users find the nearest pot dealer. In fact, they’re going to introduce a follow-up app that helps find the nearest Pop Tarts and Doritos.

Justin Timberlake opened his $16 million, environmentally friendly golf course – Mirimichi – on Saturday near Memphis, Tennessee. In related news, JC Chasez spent the day at another golf course, fixing the windmill.

Gidget, the dog actor who portrayed the Taco Bell Chihuahua, died at the age of 15. The Geico Gecko gave his eulogy.

A woman in Arizona claims a hot penny on her car seat gave her third degree burns on her behind. On the bright side, she wound up with a free tattoo of Abraham Lincoln.

Game show host Alex Trebek turned 69 last week. His wife gave him the “yearly double.”

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

The FBI has arrested a man from Georgia labeled as the “limping bandit” – because he robbed 23 banks and limped as he walked away. Cops say the guy doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

And finally…

North Korea opened its first fast-food restaurant in Pyongyang.  Here’s a tip: the hot dogs—are just that.

Fin

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In Los Angeles?  So am I.  Tonight, I’ll be at the Westside Eclectic Theater at 10 PM at Who’s Available Tuesday Nights.  It’s funny: today was a Tuesday, and I was available, so it’s like fate.  More info HERE.  S’all for now, see ya’ll in the nextin’ week.  Nope, that’s not a thing, my bad.  Next week, I mean.

THE JONOLOGUE

40 Years ago today, man landed on the moon. Neil Armstrong was the first to walk on the surface—which made it really awkward, when Buzz Aldrin stepped in gum.

Buzz Aldrin joined Neil Armstrong on the moon’s surface. Aldrin said he hadn’t planned on being an astronaut—but his name was Buzz Aldrin.

Michael Collins piloted the module - but only orbited the moon. Apparently, he couldn’t find a place to park.

After the two planted a U.S. flag on the lunar surface, they spoke with President Nixon. Nixon called it “the most historic phone call ever made…..” And he should know; he eavesdropped on just about all of them.

A brothel in Berlin is offering discounts to customers who arrive on bicycles. This could also explain why everybody in the Tour de France veered off-course.

President Obama threw out the first pitch at last week’s All-Star game.  Before the game, Rush Limbaugh said he hoped he balked.

President Clinton will be inducted as an honorary member of Phi Beta Sigma—a historically black fraternity.  The fraternity cited Clinton’s stellar race relations record, as well as his stance on big booties.

Republican Senator Lindsey Graham admitted to Sonia Sotomayor during her confirmation hearing on Monday that unless she has a complete meltdown, she will get confirmed to the Supreme Court. Then she shaved her head, crashed her car and tried to hit a cameraman with an umbrella.

Texas Governor Rick Perry chose an outspoken creationist to run the state Board of Education. So it’s good to see Sarah Palin’s landing on her feet.

“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” won at the box office this weekend, earning an estimated $159.7 million during its first five days in U.S. and Canadian theaters, 20 million more than the last film two years ago. So at least the economy isn’t affecting virgins.

Pope Benedict gave his blessing to “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.” In fact, he gave it two pointy hats up.

The Pope gave “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” its endorsement because good triumphs over evil. Way to blow the ending, Pope.

However, the Pope gave Bruno a thumbs-down because he didn’t think it was anti-gay enough.

A new study finds that 19 percent of couples who live together before getting engaged stand a good chance of splitting up.  The study also found that 100 percent of married couples who live with their eight kids and let a camera crew film it stand a good chance of splitting up.

Jada Pinkett Smith – Will Smith’s wife – said in an interview with “Shape” magazine that she and Will had sex in a limo on the way to the Academy Awards this year. Even stranger: Morgan Freeman was there narrating it.

Morgan Freeman has reportedly been romantically involved with his 27-year-old step-granddaughter for the last ten years. Today, Woody Allen called him and said, “I feel so close to you.”

1988 gold medal figure skater Brian Boitano will star in a daytime cooking show on the Food Network called “What Will Brian Boitano Make?” The answer: a fool of himself. 

Actor-comedian Cheech Marin turned 63 last week. When he blew out his candles, everybody in the room got high.

The World Health Organization said Monday that the new swine flu is unstoppable – and gave orders to make a vaccine. Yeah, good plan—except that you just said it’s unstoppable. Why bother making the vaccine if you can’t stop it?  HELLO???

APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE  APPLAUSE

Starbucks is taking the name off one of its stores in Seattle and changing it to one that reflects the neighborhood location. It will be called Starbucks Between Four Other Starbucks.  Starbuckses?

Wal-Mart is planning to create eco-ratings for all of its goods – hoping to spur companies to redesign greener products. They’re trying to make their products to be biodegradable—just like their elderly greeters.

Lindsay Lohan revealed on her Twitter page that she was forcibly grabbed by a stranger, angry at her for stealing the recipe to a fake spray tan. Believe it or not, that was actually the most normal tweet Lindsay has made.

More than 500 people gathered yesterday at a nudist camp in California to set a Guinness record for the world’s largest skinny dip. Even more amazing: four of them were actually attractive.

A new study finds that alcohol use in teenagers is influenced by genetic and environmental factors. This is especially bad news for Keith Richards’ son who lives in a wine cellar.

A new study finds that men who are more than nine years older than their wives are twice as likely to get divorced. When asked for proof, researchers said: “Two words: Larry King.”

Ryan Seacrest signed a three-year contract extension as the host of American Idol, worth $45 million – which will make him the highest-paid reality host ever. Not surprisingly, he will be paid entirely in hairspray.

Paula Abdul’s manager said she is very hurt that the producers of American Idol haven’t made her an offer to return as a judge, and it looks like she won’t be back. For her to return, Paula’s seeking a contract similar to Simon Cowell’s—or a boilermaker.

The Oscar Meyer Wiener mobile crashed into a house in Wisconsin. As a result, they’re thinking of turning the place into a Taco Bell.

And finally…

A 15-year-old girl in Staten Island fell into an open manhole as she was texting while walking. Or as she put it, “OMG I Just FIAOM!”

Fin

THE JONOLOGUE

Your move, Amy Winehouse.

Perez Hilton is suing the Black Eyed Peas manager for $25,000 after he punched him outside a club in Toronto. The good news: it only costs $25,000 to punch Perez Hilton.

On last week’s episode of “Jon & Kate Plus 8,” they had a some guys build playhouses for the kids.  The next day, Jon moved into one of them.

Coming to DVD tomorrow is the film Two Lovers.  It’s a biopic about Governor Mark Sanford.  KAPOW!

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford’s wife Jenny kicked her husband out of their home.  So, it looks like he finally gets to take that hike.

Sanford said it was difficult to tell his wife about an infidelity—to which Bill Clinton said, “Ah, you get used to it.”

Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir—to be published in the Spring of 2011, several months after President George W. Bush’s book comes out. To be sure the books aren’t redundant, Cheney made sure his contained no drawings of fire trucks.

During her visit to San Francisco, Michelle Obama called on Americans to make this a summer of community service. To which Chris Brown said, “Way ahead of ya.”

Chris Brown pleaded guilty and was sentenced to six months of community service for assaulting Rihanna.  Many say Brown is getting away with a slap on the wrist…and the arm…and a few more to the face….

Ruth Madoff was spotted riding the F train in New York City.  Meanwhile, a guy who calls himself “The F Train” was spotted riding her husband.

In New York, the Transit Authority announced that it’s selling the naming rights to New York subway stations.  The most appropriate sponsor: Flomax.

Robert Burck—aka the Naked Cowboy—will continue with plans to perform in his hometown of Greenhills, Ohio even though local residents consider his act indecent. He’s expected to be greeted with shame and ridicule—and that’s just his parents.

Astronomers have found evidence that suggests a possible life-breeding ocean inside Saturn’s moon, Enceladus. And today, Red Lobster called dibs on it.

A new study finds that higher levels of carbon dioxide in the oceans are making the ears of fish grow bigger. You know, I thought my Fillet-O-Fish looked a lot like Prince Charles.

In an interview with Spin, Marilyn Manson said that he was so upset about breaking up with his girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, he cut himself 158 times on Christmas Day.  That’s almost 10 times more than he normally cuts himself on Christmas.

Beach Boys Brian Wilson and Bruce Johnston turned 67 last week.  They celebrated by playing the song “409”—which is also the time they ate dinner.

Nissan announced plans on Tuesday to mass produce zero-emission cars in 2012. Meanwhile, GM announced plans to mass produce zero total cars in 2012.

Shia LaBeouf and Michael Cera are being considered for the role of Mark Zuckerberg in a Facebook movie. You can tell it’s a Facebook movie, because every time the characters try to talk to each other, they freeze up or say the same thing twice.

Police were called to rescue a baby opossum stuck inside a soda machine at a gym in upstate New York.  But before they could get there, the guy that came along next put in a dollar and wound up getting two opossums.

A woman in California being held hostage in her home was saved by chance when a bill collector knocked on her door and called the police. Ironically, he was there to collect payment for her home security system.

-

A retired police officer in California stopped a man from robbing a bank by putting him in a sleeper hold until he passed out. The cop called this his greatest moment since he put a jaywalker in a figure-four leg-lock.

Dogs in Britain are being trained to sniff out diabetes with their hyper-sensitive sense of smell that can detect when their owner’s blood sugar falls. The bad news: every time a dog sniffs an ass, there’s a $10 co-pay.

GROANERS!  GROANERS!  THE FOLLOWING JOKES WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

A Japanese satellite crashed into the moon on Tuesday at a speed of 3,738 miles per hour. But in fairness, the moon did run a stop sign.

Tennis player Martina Navratilova is being sued for millions by her wife who claims she was dumped without warning after seven years together. Martina said they’re equally to blame; she says it was a double-fault.

A monkey urinated on Zambian President Rupiah Banda as he spoke to reporters outside his State House office on Wednesday. And you don’t even want to know what the Man with the Yellow Hat did to him.

And finally…

The EPA says that the levels of 80 cancer-causing toxins are in the air in more than 600 U.S. cities. To which people in New Jersey said, “That’s all?”

Fin 

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Two weeks off, then back on July 14 JULY 23. SORRY GUYS.  So, let me plug a couple shows I am hosting at Mottley’s Comedy Club next weekend, July 10 & 11^th, featuring the very talented Giulia Rozzi and Jamie Lee.  Tickets are available HERE.  I’m the Jack Tripper in this Three’s Company of comedy, and I encourage you to come be our Mr. Furley.  Have a nice Fourth.

THE JONOLOGUE

ESPN is reporting that Brett Favre is likely to return, just after announcing yet another retirement.  Jeez, who would do something like that?

President Obama played Golf on Father’s day before taking the family out for frozen custard. Rush Limbaugh said he hopes it melted.

President Obama wrote an article for Sunday’s Parade magazine urging fathers to step up, admitting, “I have been an imperfect father. I know I have made mistakes…most notably when Sasha’s pet fly got loose…”

President Obama spoke for 56 minutes on Monday before the American Medical Association, the longest speech of his presidency—or as Joe Biden would call it, an “opening line.”

Senator John McCain said that Barack Obama has “done well” in his first five months as president. However, in fairness, he did admit that he’d nodded off for three of them.

First Lady Michelle Obama received a special Fashion Award last week. Diane Von Furstenberg noted her “meteoric rise as a fashion icon,” as well as her courageous efforts in the War on Sleeves.

President Obama has asked the Secret Service to block the media from viewing the White House visitor log, continuing a policy established by President Bush.  President Clinton had a similar policy…except he just blocked Hillary from seeing who visited.  Don’t get ahead of me, people.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will undergo surgery after she fell and fractured her elbow.  Bill said he’s already preparing for the worst—Hillary pulling through.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor resigned on Friday from the Belizean Grove–an elite, all-women’s club–after Republicans questioned her membership. Experts call this the biggest sacrifice for a Supreme Court nominee since Antonin Scalia was forced to resign from Color Me Badd.

A town in Arizona decided the winner of its tied town council election by having the two candidates draw cards.  So beat that, Iran.

Portugal has decided to accept one or two of the prisoners from Guantanamo; Spain and Italy have offered to take a few as well, but not the whole group.  Then, they said the same thing about Jon and Kate’s kids.

In Minnesota, a 31-year-old woman gave birth to quintuplets—or, as the Octomom put it, “underachieved.”

Myspace is laying off 30% of its workforce.  It made the announcement on its Twitter.

Bret Michaels has decided not to sue the Tony Awards after he fractured his nose in this bizarre accident during the opening number.

Michaels’ lawyer told him the case would likely get thrown out, on the grounds of being hilarious.

The FDA is warning that Zicam nasal spray can cause permanent loss of smell.  49 states demanded a recall; New Jersey demanded more.

It was revealed that Steve Jobs received a liver transplant in Tennessee two months ago – the reason for his undisclosed medical leave. However, it’ll become obsolete tomorrow, when Apple introduces an even smaller liver that can hold more songs.

Singer Barry Manilow turned 66 last week—which means he’s almost old enough to like his own music.

Hugh Hefner admitted that he can’t tell his twin 19-year-old girlfriends apart.  Hefner’s 19-year-old girlfriend admitted she doesn’t know how to tell him he’s cross-eyed.

A man in Puerto Rico was arrested for stealing 88 pieces of underwear from his neighbor’s clothesline. Gee, if only there were some kind of machine that would make drying your underwear on a clothesline unnecessary.

Researchers at the University of California discovered that same-sex behavior can be found in almost all species in the animal kingdom.  And they could have a point; today, Chip ‘n Dale applied for a domestic partnership. 

A new study finds that Phoenix, Arizona is the best city in the U.S. for college graduates to find jobs.  The worst city in the U.S. to find a job: Circuit City.

A 15-year-old girl from Iowa won the National Texting Championship on Tuesday – taking home a prize of $50,000 for speed and accuracy.  The girl said the money should cover nearly a third of this month’s phone bill.

Shia LaBeouf confirmed that an Indiana Jones 5 is in the works. I don’t want to say Indy’s gotten old, but in this one, he spends two hours trying to figure out why his rabbit-ears TV won’t work anymore.  Which I guess would make him about 110.  Shut up.

Billy Joel and his third wife, Katie Lee Joel, are separating after nearly five years of marriage. She’ll get the house; he’ll drive through it.

A man in New York was arrested after he dressed up as his dead mother for 6 years to collect her Social Security benefits. To make matters worse, he may also be forced to return the $50 he won at bingo.

A substitute gym teacher in New York was arrested for choking a 10-year-old student while they were arguing over a call in a dodgeball game. On the bright side, at least Latrell Sprewell’s working.

The New York Times is reporting that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003.  In related news, the New York Times report has tested positive for obviousness. 

Lucas Glover edged out Phil Mickelson to win his first major at the US Open at Bethpage Black today. Unfortunately, nobody saw it, because ESPN decided to cover Tiger Woods eating a sandwich.

Dozens of drunks taunted Tiger Woods on Saturday during the third round at the U.S. Open, with one yelling: “Suck it up, you’ve got your own video game!” That’s it—this time, John Daly has gone too far.

Police in Jamaica are looking for the thieves who stole over $1,000 worth of electronics from Olympic sprinter Usain Bolt’s home.  Bolt pursued the thieves in a chase that reached speeds of 100 miles per hour—but then he tripped.

A man in Delaware set off fireworks in the bathroom of an Arby’s restaurant on Thursday.  But in fairness, that’s a risk you take when you get the jalapeno bites.

83-year-old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir to be published in 2010.  It would have been done sooner, but he keeps tripping over the typewriter.  Oh jeez, here it comes…

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A British fashion student designed a dress that lights up when your cell phone rings—which still won’t stop idiots at the theater from pretending it’s not their phone going off.

In honor of Gay Pride Month, a drag queen in Ohio revealed her true identity as a Catholic priest.  Parishioners suspected something was amiss when he started blessing people in the name of the Father, the Son and Judy Garland. 

The father of “American Idol” runner-up David Archuleta was arrested for hiring a hooker in Utah back in January. How shocking is that?  Utah has a hooker?

A man in England is auctioning off his dad’s ashes on eBay – claiming he abandoned him as a child. And today, Keith Richards e-mailed the guy to ask if he’d throw in a couple straws.

North Korea announced it is planning to fire a long-range missile toward Hawaii in early July. To which Japan said, “Way to blow it.”

The Jonas Brothers were interviewed for an hour on Larry King Live.  Things got a bit awkward when Larry kept referring to Nick as Ringo.

The British government is instructing teachers not to teach students the grammar rule “i before e, except after c” because there are too many exceptions. So there you go, kids.  When something’s hard to learn, skip it.

GROANER!  GROANER!  THE FOLLOWING JOKE WILL MAKE YOU GROAN EVEN MORE THAN THE OTHERS! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

China may require people who want a sex change procedure to get approval from a police officer. Or they can just get a private dick.

And finally…

Chastity Bono has been undergoing treatments to become a man.  So far so good; today, Cher hit on him.

Fin 

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Just when I think I’m out…

It’s good to be back.  I gotta admit, it sure beats walking up to people on the subway and telling them Amy Winehouse jokes.  I’ll be at The Highlander in Acushnet, MA this Saturday night at 8 PM with Harrison Stebbins and Steve Bjork.  Talk to ya soon.

THE JONOLOGUE

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has denied calling for a ban on Facebook during the country’s presidential election.  He said he did impose a ban on Myspace, but…nobody noticed.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez began a marathon four-day edition of his television talk show to mark its tenth anniversary.  Chavez took the time to thank his viewers for watching, reflect on the show’s greatest moments, and announce that he would not be jumping to ABC.

Chavez uses his talk show to make policy announcements, berate opponents and make rambling speeches—wait, I’m sorry, that’s Rush Limbaugh.

Over the past week, North Korea has conducted an underground test of a nuclear bomb, test-fired several missiles and detonated other explosives.  And as if that weren’t bad enough, today they poured some Mentos into a bottle of Diet Coke.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is leading the charge against North Korea’s weapon testing.  And it’s getting nasty; today, Hillary said Kim Jong-Il is reckless, defiant, and has no idea how to wear a pantsuit.

Hillary Clinton surprised graduates at Yale University by showing up to accept an honorary degree.  Meanwhile, Bill surprised members of Kappa Kappa Gamma by showing up with some tequila and a Twister pad.    

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi visited China last weekend.  There was actually one awkward moment when a couple of geishas said “Hey, who’s the stiff face?”          

A reporter had to be dragged kicking and screaming from Air Force One, angry about not being able to hand-deliver President Obama a personal letter.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again—we’ve got to get Chris Matthews some help.

According to a study commissioned by the Geneva-based Global Humanitarian Forum, climate change kills 315,000 people a year—and most of those are people who will themselves to death when they see Al Gore coming over to chat about it.

Al Gore urged a group of 500 business leaders in New York to push for stronger global warming legislation, saying that “Mother Nature does not do bailouts.”  And from the looks of Al, neither do Uncle Ben or Aunt Jemima…

Florida was one of the states that had to slash a relatively low amount of jobs this year.  Experts say that might have something to do with the fact that everybody there is retired.        

The Social Security Administration is reporting that early retirements are up 25% over the past year—and that’s just Brett Favre.         

The Los Angeles Lakers defeated the Denver Nuggets to move on to the NBA Finals.  That’s really not a surprise; after all, if there’s one place Kobe’s comfortable being aggressive, it’s Colorado.    

A Florida man and his wife claim they sold steroids to professional baseball players in Washington D.C.  When asked if they had indeed purchased steroids, members of the Nationals said, “Did we?  No.  Should we?  Well…”

A Japanese company is selling a horror story that is published on a roll of toilet paper.  Each sheet of toilet paper contains another page—or, you could just go to Wienerschnitzel and write your own horror story.

USA Today did an article on how the recession has forced many restaurants to expand their menus in order to appeal to a broader consumer base.  For instance, Kentucky Fried Chicken is now offering grilled chicken; Pizza Hut is offering pasta; and McDonald’s is toying with the idea of selling beef.

A kitten in China is receiving attention, after it grew a pair of wings.  As a result, the kitten’s father is beginning to think that parrot that was always hanging around could have been more than “just a friend.”

In Philomath, Oregon, a Chihuahua and a border terrier scared off a cougar that wandered into the town.  Apparently, Madonna is more of a cat person.

Toys R Us announced that it has acquired financially troubled, upscale toy retailer FAO Schwartz.  Toys R Us is already putting their mark on the chain; in fact, the A in FAO is now backwards.  Take a minute…ah, funny, right?

A British woman has become one of the oldest moms on record, giving birth to a baby boy at the age of 66.  The woman spent today shopping for diapers and talcum powder—and tomorrow’s she’s gonna buy some for the baby.  Okay, now be honest, how far in advance did you see that one coming?  “Oldest?”  “A?”

In El Paso, Texas, a high school principal has filed an assault charge against the school superintendent after she failed to return a high five, and he wound up slapping her in the forehead.  On the bright side, at least he wasn’t giving her a fist-pound.

Amy Winehouse cancelled a planned comeback show in England due to a mysterious condition.  The mysterious condition: sobriety.  That’s sobriety.  Ah, Winehouse.  I’ll miss ya.

And finally…

A recent study out of England claims the less intelligent a woman is, the harder it is for her to have an orgasm. So at the end of the day, I guess out blondes actually have less fun.

Fin 

*          *          *          *          *

Although I’m not positive, this could be the last new one of these for a while.  Let me just take this opportunity to thank you all for reading.  However, come back next week, I’ll be putting up a best-of.

One show to plug:  I’ll be at Kings Court in Hudson, NH this Saturday with Jimmy Dunn and Mike Prior.  Tickets are available HERE.

See ya.

THE JONOLOGUE

The NBA and World Wrestling Entertainment were locked in a bitter dispute over arena privileges, as they were double-booked at the Pepsi Center on Monday night.  Sports writers are calling the situation a silly argument between a phony organization where all the outcomes are predetermined, and the WWE.           

Google is using a highly sophisticated algorithm to determine which of its employees are most likely to quit.  The system takes into account employee surveys, peer reviews, and people who sign each memo “So long, suckers.”       

A man in England is recovering, after falling 6,000 feet into a rocky mountainside after he failed to open his parachute while skydiving.  Even more amazing: the guy said the entire time he was falling, he still felt safer than he would have flying Continental.

Newsweek is reporting that Vice-President Joe Biden revealed the location of a top secret Vice-Presidential bunker while speaking at a high-profile dinner in the capital.  Fortunately, nobody there heard the location, because they had dozed off long before he got to it.

Experts are warning that GPS satellites are close to failing, and the system could be close to a breakdown.  GPS officials couldn’t be reached for comment, because they had just driven into a volcano.

I got a GPS not too long ago, and it’s very advanced.  I said I wanted to go to Cambridge, and it said “Take a right.”  I said I wanted to go to Somerville, and it said “Take a left.”  I said I wanted to go to Roxbury, and it said “Take a gun.”

People are still talking about Rachel Alexandra winning the Preakness.  Jockey Calvin Borel raised some eyebrows, after he ditched a male because he thought he’d have a better chance riding a female.  When asked why, Borel said, “Hey, it worked for Lindsay Lohan.”

Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski said that Americans need to scale back their consumerism because it is harming the environment.  Kulongoski said that staying at home and not spending any money could also allow Americans to focus on other issues, like fixing the economy.

The economy’s bad.  Today, Miss California lost her shirt!—And not in the fun way!

It’s hurting athletes.  Brad Penny—working at JC Penny.

It’s real bad.  Today I saw Scrooge McDuck at the park, fighting for bread.

The economy’s so bad, I’m back to buying visors, because I can’t afford the whole hat!

And finally…

In Australia, a kangaroo is recovering and expected to make a full recovery after it spent a week with an arrow lodged down the middle of his head.   Wildlife officials are calling the animal amazing; scientists are calling him a miracle; Steve Martin is calling him a hack.

Mercifully…

Fin 

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How was your week?  Mine was pretty enjoyable…as the above offering likely proves.  Got to see a bunch of old friends, make a bunch of new friends, and took part in three great comedy shows.  Dartmouth College was a blast, and I can safely say that driving up there on such a nice day was probably the best ride to a comedy show I’ve had.  Sorry, Keene State in a rainstorm/Turners Falls in a blizzard.

Then on Friday and Saturday, I got to play at the Griffen Theatre in Salem, MA, and was even more blown away by how cool those audiences were.  This further cemented Salem as one of my favorite all-time towns…despite its pretty messed up tourism ploy.  I still maintain those broads could have been holding book club meetings—which, come to think of it, is pretty good cause for burning.  So never mind, I’m cool with it.

Three shows this week, but only two to plug:

1)I’m at The Comedy Studio in Harvard Square this Friday.  It’s going to be a great, great show, with the likes of Dan Boulger, Shaun Bedgood, Bill Braudis, Chris Pennie and maybe another guy who I worked with at Dartmouth last week.  Hosted by Ken Reid.  8 PM, 10 bucks cheap, and tickets can be ordered in advance HERE.  Great show, don’t miss it.

2) I’m at the Italian Community Center in Beverly, MA at 8 PM on Saturday.  Gonna be swell.

That’s all I got for ya.  See ya next week, for what could be the last new one for a while.  Stay tuned.