The Daily Dozen 6.7.20

DONATE TO BLACK LIVES MATTER HERE.

DONATE TO JOE BIDEN HERE.

I know there’s a lot of bad news right now. But, I’m happy to see that one of those virtual assistants from the airport can give a commencement speech…

Well if things go south with Jared, she’s always got Hologram Tupac!

Even Kim Jong Un was like, “Have her hold up today’s newspaper…”

The big news is today, Minneapolis’ city council said it plans to disband its police force. Or as it’ll soon be reported, “Mall cops suspended for kicking mannequin.”

In a statement, the Minneapolis City Council said, “This is a sensitive situation, and we feel it’s in everyone’s best interest to tell 800 people with guns they’re fired at the same time.”

With all the violence displayed by officers, it’s just a matter of time before someone throws the book at them. And I’m gonna guess it’ll be a “Harry Potter” book.

“Harry Potter” author J.K. Rowling is facing criticism for transphobic tweets. Which again raises the question: “Can you separate the artist from their WiFi connection?”

 Yep, J.K. Rowling attacked the transgender community. But it’s important to remember that regardless of her opinions, her books are still a giant waste of time. 

Speaking of wastes, President Trump visited Maine over the weekend. But there was an awkward moment when a lobsterman bound his hands and threw him into a crate.

 Yep, Trump visited Maine. And Pennywise actually warned children not to approach him.

Mitt Romney and George W. Bush announced they would not vote for Trump. Romney will consider Biden, while Bush will do like always and write-in Amanda Hugginkiss. “Did it even when I was runnin’! Hehe!”

Romney and Bush said they would not vote for Trump – this election. Which is the political version of telling your spouse, “I won’t sleep with your boss tonight.”

After former Secretary of Defense Colin Powell said he won’t vote for Trump, the president called him a “real stiff.” And after that, Mike Pence said he won’t vote for Trump. “I know when I’m being disrespected…”

Yep, Colin Powell will not vote for Trump. Of course when I heard the word “colon,” I assumed Ted Cruz was getting even more specific….

Don’t worry – Ted Cruz can store food in his welts for up to four months. It’s when he sheds that you have a problem.

After looting during protests, an editor of the Philadelphia Enquirer resigned over the headline “Buildings Matter Too.” Which explains this morning’s panel on Fox & Friends…

WILLIS TOWER: “AM I STILL CALLED THE WILLIS TOWER OR IS IT SOMETHING NEW AGAIN?”

Fox News also apologized for running a graphic showing stock market gains after the murders of George Floyd, Michael Brown and Martin Luther King Jr. But it didn’t help when they tried to even things out by showing hat market gains after JFK.

In Portland, Oregon, a llama showed up at a Black Lives Matter rally. Nobody’s sure how it got there, but since it’s Portland, maybe it drove?

Yep, a llama attended a Black Lives Matter rally. The crowd called him a morale booster, while the police tried to plant some nunchucks on him. “It was either him or the emu!”

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio announced he was canceling the city’s curfew a day early. Then he said, “Now will you kids please give me my pants back? Fine - just my shoes??”

The NYPD is telling officers to watch out for concrete-filled tennis balls during protests. In fact, they’ve already put their top detective on the case:

(My daughter is writing jokes for the blog now.)

Last night, NBA Legend Bill Russell tweeted at Trump calling him a divisive coward. Proving that all these years later, Russ is still great at swatting some orange leather. 

And Michael Jordan donated $100 million to fight for racial equality. Right after Isiah Thomas donated $99 million.

The NBA is thinking of using fan noise from NBA 2K for its crowd-less games. And it’s a good thing the Knicks are out, because even in the game, they chant, “SELL THE TEAM!”

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers could sign Colin Kaepernick to back up Tom Brady. The NFL says it would allow Kaepernick to go from not playing at all to never playing at all.

Actually, there is some concern about Tom Brady’s durability. You’ll know an opponent thinks he’s old when its defense is made up of Buffalo police officers.

Despite warnings of a new wave of COVID-19, New Hampshire beaches opened up this weekend. Which explains the state’s new motto: “Live Free or Die or Both.”

Warner Brothers announced that Elmer Fudd will no longer carry a gun. So look forward to Republicans saying, “A good guy with an anvil stops a bad guy with an anvil!”

It’s rumored that James Bond will be a father in the next film. There’s even a tense scene where his baby hands him an iPad and says, “Shark. Baby Shark. (And I want that rattle shaken, not…ah, you know.)”

It’s actually easy to pick out Bond’s kid in the nursery – he’s the one in a tuxedo onesie.

Yep, James Bond will apparently be a dad. But it gets weird when they call him with an urgent mission and he says, “Can’t – I’m teaching my kids, still.”

And lastly, the owner of Chicago’s Second City improv theater resigned after accusations of racism. Now that he’s unemployed, he signed up for improv classes at the Second City.

Proud of this aspect of my home state,

Jon

Credit: Seacoast Online

The Daily Dozen 6.4.20

How many calls do you think Oprah got from Drew Brees and Lea Michele last night?

DONATE TO JOE BIDEN HERE

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All four Minneapolis police officers have now been arrested and charged for the murder of George Floyd. To make sure they’re in good hands, the city hired the prison guard who watched Jeffrey Epstein.

The NBA announced that it’s coming back, and playing all its games at Disney World with no fans. The first game will tip off July 31st, the mics will pick up 10 seconds of trash talk, then Disney will cancel the season.

After being off since March, the NBA will resume play on July 31st. And on the first game back, Gregg Popovich will still sit five players for rest. #TooManySportsJokesRineman!

Los Angeles experienced a 5.5 magnitude earthquake. Don’t worry – it was just from Trump falling down the stairs to his bunker. “I’m okay! Tie was a few feet too long!”

Yeah, there was a giant Earthquake in Los Angeles. And I think 2020 shows that sometimes, even God forgets to pause his “Sims” game before he goes to school.

As if that isn’t enough, a giant asteroid will pass by Earth on Saturday. It’s as big as two Empire State Buildings, one stadium, or half a Charles Barkley before he heard he’d be back on TV this year.

Yep, there’s a giant asteroid passing by Earth. People have a tough choice: do we root for it to hit some dinosaurs, or just vote them out in November?

Don’t worry – the only Rock that crushed Trump today was Dwayne Johnson.

The Rock released an impassioned video where he said, “Where are you? Where is our leader?” And when Trump said, “I’m down in my bunk—” The Rock said, “IT DOESN’T MATTER WHERE YOU ARE YOU PUTIN-ROOTIN’ TEN-DOLLAR SUITIN’ JABRONI!”

Then he closed by saying, “If you smell what The Rock is cookin’! But…I know you can’t, because of the masks we have to wear thanks to that Putin-rootin’ jabroni.”

Televangelist Pat Robertson condemned Trump for his “law and order” response to protests. However he also praised Trump for elevating the phrase “Jesus Christ.”

After Trump visited a church and held up a Bible, the White House compared him to Winston Churchill. Then Trump said, “Ah yes – my fourth favorite Ghostbuster!”

Experts are saying a photo where Hitler appears to hold a Bible like Trump is photoshopped. It turns out the book he’s holding is actually “The Art of the Deal.”

Trump’s former Secretary of Defense James “Mad Dog” Mattis released a statement in The Atlantic blasting the president for his use of military force. You know things are backwards when a guy named “Donald” jolts us awake, and a guy named “Mad Dog” helps us sleep.

In response, Trump criticized Mattis, claiming his real nickname was “Chaos” and that Trump gave him the nickname “Mad Dog.” Then he said, “And if you don’t believe me, ask my kids – Mad Dog, Mad Dog Jr. and Girl Dog. I am very good with nicknames. Just ask Earvin ‘Chaos’ Johnson.”

Jimmy Carter issued a statement on Trump’s response to protests, saying, “We need a government as good as its people, and we are better than this.” Then Carter said, “Wait – I’m still alive??” #ThatsHowYouDoThatJoke

Minnesota’s Governor is sending National Guard troops to the state’s border with North Dakota, citing “credible threats.” North Dakota residents said, “That is an insult to us both!”

And South Dakota’s Governor is apparently working with Trump officials on a Mount Rushmore Flyover. Which means right now, aides are telling Trump, “No, they don’t ‘sing like the Country Bears’.”

That’s right, South Dakota is working with the White House to have Trump fly over Mount Rushmore. The only hold up is who pays for the cannon.

Readers are angry at the New York Times after they let Senator Tom Cotton pen an op-ed encouraging military intervention. The paper begged subscribers not to leave, so they don’t miss the crossword edited by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Yep, many are angry about the Times picking Cotton to write an op-ed. Said fellow Republicans, “What’s this about picking cotton??”

“Fox & Friends” host Brian Kilmeade mocked people using the song “Imagine” to unite, saying John Lennon – again, John Lennon – would not be safe in New York City. Then he said, “It’s awful! You can’t even put your Lindbergh baby on the window sill!”

And Piers Morgan and Rudy Giuliani got into a shouting match on British TV. When he heard there was some of white-on-white violence, Trump deployed The Osmonds and Vampire Weekend.

The Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle released a video addressing the murder of George Floyd, saying, “The only wrong thing to say is nothing.” While the Queen released a video where she appeared to squint harder. 

Sesame Street will air a town hall that discusses racism. But it’ll be weird when Elmo says…

And for any fans of “The Muppet Show,” you can go on YouTube to see Piers Morgan argue with Dr. Bunsen Honeydew….

Bills quarterback Jake Fromm apologized after saying only “elite white people” should have guns. Showing once again that Drew Brees can make a great handoff.

Athletes were denouncing Drew Brees for his stance on National Anthem protests. LeBron James said Brees still doesn’t get it; Richard Sherman called Brees “lost”; and Joey Chestnut invited him to the Nathan’s Foot-Eating Contest.

But Drew Brees apologized for his remarks, saying, “After some serious soul searching, I finally realized I play and live in New Orleans, Louisiana.”

A new poll found that Joe Biden is currently winning in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin. Which is why Biden’s campaign canceled all his speeches in Ohio, Arizona and Wisconsin.

Trump retweeted an old Biden speech, where the Vice President called for closer ties with China. Though if I were Trump…I’d try to avoid anything that combines “ties” and “China.”

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam plans to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee. It’s already received widespread coverage in this month’s issue of “Excellent Idea – But Now??”

That’s right, Ralph Northam – who is believed to have appeared in blackface in a college yearbook photo – wants to do this. Talk about the pot calling the kettle either black or the guy next to him dressed as a Klansman.

Russia declared a state of emergency after an oil spill in the Arctic. It’s quite serious, and I’m sure you’ll want to help out after seeing this picture of the Russian oil disaster:

A man who dressed as The Joker was arrested for setting a police car on fire in Chicago. While a man who dressed as Two-Face is trying to remove a statue of Robert E. Lee. 

And lastly, some news for “Tiger King” fans: handwriting experts say the will of Carole Baskin’s missing ex-husband appears to have been forged. When asked how they knew, they said, “For starters, it’s a paw print.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

And now, a word from our President…

The Daily Dozen 6.3.20

First of all, donate to Black Lives Matter HERE.

Then, donate to Joe Biden HERE.

In the meantime – looks like you’re off the hook, Judas!

“Okay – who wrote this Burn Book about me?”

If it’s any consolation, his shoulder is sore from lifting it while his hand’s still sizzling.

After Trump forced his way to a photo-op in front of a church, a prominent White House figure said it just made things worse. When asked if their name could be used, they replied, “Say ‘Anonymous First Lady.’”

Actually, a photo was released from the president’s visit to the church with the First Lady:

My bad – that’s their wedding photo. “This was the only way her family wouldn’t boo me.”

Melania said, “I can still fit into that black dress! Not that I’m…hoping for…something…”

Meanwhile, Trump says he only visited the White House bunker to “make an inspection.” Specifically, to see if there was a phone charger next to the toilet.

Twitter says it will only censor tweets that are especially offensive. Like “Trump holding a Bible?? That’s like if (some lazy analogy that isn’t actually a joke)! Link to my special in bio!”

Defense Secretary Mark Esper went against Trump, saying the military should not be used to silence protesters. In response, Trump signed an Executive Order downgrading The Pentagon to The Square. “Don’t make me go Triangle! I swear I’ll go Triangle!”

Trump’s approval rating is slipping across the board, and is now at 39%. Marking just the latest way he’s brought our country back to the ‘30s.

And with North Carolina unable to host the Republican Convention, Trump needs a new venue to house all his supporters. And I think his staff did a great job finding an alternative:

And Saints quarterback Drew Brees says he refuses to “disrespect” the flag, and will not take a knee during the National Anthem. His fullbacks also promised not to take a knee – until Brees yells “Hike!”

A California auto dealer says looters stole 74 cars. Then he said, “But let me talk to my manager and see if I can get it down to 70. 😉”

Yep, 74 cars were stolen from an auto dealership. Meanwhile, one of its employees protested peacefully…

Yesterday, the music industry observed “Blackout Tuesday” – or as Keith Richards calls it, “Tuesday.” BUT FOLKS!

Actually, Blackout Tuesday was the music industry’s moment of silence to honor the memory of George Floyd, with many services going offline. Then today, 3 Doors Down said, “Weird – our music’s still not showing up…”

Philadelphia removed its defaced (improved?) statue of controversial mayor Frank Rizzo.

Said another statue…

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio says the MTA should enforce social distancing by blocking off every other seat on the subway. So in an ironic twist, the heroes in all this could be handbags and douchebags.

New York’s Metropolitan Opera canceled its fall season. As a result, the draft is pushed back to February, with free agency to begin in March. “Love this pick at falsetto, Chris! Big pipes, modest testicles, expect him to make an impact immediately.”

The NBA is officially set to resume play at Disney World on July 31. Or as you’ll soon read, “Seven Dwarfs 113, Knicks 86.”

The Postal Service has been hit hard by COVID-19, and may need a bailout. Though it doesn’t help that we can only lick stamps that have been quarantined for 14 days. 

In Vermont, a man is facing charges after he threw a pickle from a car at a highway worker. Police opened the case immediately – then their friend said, “But I loosened it for you!”

When they examined the evidence, police said, “This just isn’t kosher.”

You know somewhere, someone’s like….

Heavy rains have led giant toxic toads to start mating in Florida. Confirming scientists’ longstanding theory that toads love “The Notebook.”

Yep, giant toxic toads are now mating in Florida. People aren’t sure what’s worse – the giant toads having sex, or the Murder Hornets filming it.

There’s a new documentary coming out about the rise and fall of businessman Ted Ngoy called “The Donut King.” People were really excited, until they heard the donuts were made of tigers. “Ugh – this again??”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

6.2.20

The Cab Story/The Daily Dozen 6.1.20

During my first year at my favorite job “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” (did you see #2 is making a comeback??), I rode the elevator down with a coworker who was black (and still is, as a matter of fact). This is someone I look up to and who is greatly respected by all. As I lived in Queens (did you see the peaceful protest that occurred there over the weekend?), I was taking the subway. This person planned on taking a cab. So, I waited alongside, making small talk while they began hailing (I, excited and proud of some one-on-one gabbing with a cool, talented person.)

10 minutes later, not one cab had stopped. Yes, it was 5:45 in midtown Manhattan, but then I noticed something: a lot of cabs that had their “in service” lights on a block down were suddenly “out of service” as they approached us. Just to see what would happen, I stood a few feet behind this person and put my own arm out. Two minutes in, a cab pulled over – and the driver’s eyes shifted nervously as the coworker – and not I – hopped in and rode off. I felt gross. Not just because of all those cabs that passed by, but the fact my friend probably thought “Finally – a good cabbie” and had no idea it took a white guy to get the cabbie’s attention. That’s when I thought I began to “get it,” but I never will. That’s the truth. A white person will never know what it’s like to be black in America. And another truth I wish I’d learned sooner: it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” That’s better than lying or faking it. So just face facts: say “I don’t know,” and find a way to ask how you can help. And take care of yourself as well. Do what you do, don’t let your skills atrophy…

It came out that President Trump has been staying in an underground bunker. It’s only fitting our foremost bigot is officially Mr. Bunker. “From now on, I’m calling Jared ‘Jerkyhead.’”

You could tell Trump was a little confused. As they rode the elevator to a secret underground layer, he said, “Wait – am I Batman??”

There was another awkward moment when the elevator went a few floors too low, and the other hobbits gave him hell for firing Jeff Sessions.

That’s right, Trump is safely locked away in an underground bunker. When they heard that, 25 women were finally able to come out of their underground bunkers.

During protests in D.C., the White House shut off its lights. Or as that’s also known, “Don Jr. & Eric Protocol.”

Violence erupted in Boston last night, as looters and rioters descended on the city after a peaceful protest. Boston officials say they haven’t seen this much senseless destruction since the Big Dig.

Yep, a bunch of white loudmouths that make everyone else in Boston look bad. When asked why they chose to riot now, they said, “Because we won’t get to do it after the Super Bowl.”

With Bill de Blasio’s term coming up, CNN President Jeff Zucker hinted at running for Mayor. He joins a growing field who feel they would be a better mayor: everyone.

Michael Jordan released an impassioned statement calling for change in the aftermath of George Floyd’s death. Then Horace Grant said, “But I checked it for typos! I helped!!”

And Chicago, police communications were disrupted and music was played over their radios. So to all the parents out there: “Baby Shark” can be used for good and not evil.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

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And as for the media’s reporting of the “violent protesters” in Boston…

The Daily Dozen 5.28.20

I knew how much trouble we’re in when the mosquitos had some guys spray for us.

Today, the 2020 Boston Marathon was canceled due to COVID-19. Ugh – the one year I almost puked while chasing after my toddler.

Mayor Walsh says the Marathon will be held “virtually.” Which should explain things when a runner from Kenya loses to Vladimir Putin and Zack from the Geek Squad.

Yeah, people will compete virtually via treadmill. Runners can’t wait to turn on the treadmill, crank it up, then spend two hours on the couch watching “Cheers.” “What – it’s in Boston!”

But everyone was talking about the Marathon. Even cops in Minnesota said, “Wow – this is definitely the race issue we should be discussing today…”

Four police officers in Minneapolis were fired after they killed an unarmed black man. A spokesman for the officers defended them, saying, “They never for one second - and I mean, never - would have done this if they weren’t racist.”

Despite stay at home orders, protests occurred in Minneapolis after police officers killed a black man named George Floyd. Republicans were so appalled, they nearly fell onto each other’s pool floats.

After the protests, dozens of businesses were burned and vandalized. In fact workers at the MyPillow plant reported one million dollars in improvements.

So now Trump’s got two things on his plate: riots in Minneapolis and his feud with the media. Which is why he told the National Guard to taze the Mary Tyler Moore statue. “She’s no Rhoda! Sad!”

Trump also continued his feud with Twitter, demanding that it be shut down. Man, talk about grabbing the hand that feeds you because when you’re a star, they let you do it.

Mark Zuckerberg seemed to agree, saying websites aren’t responsible for saying whether news is fake. But what would you expect from the man who killed JonBenét Ramsey?

Despite this, Trump was up for hours sending out tweets. When told he shouldn’t be tweeting in the middle of the night, Trump signed an Executive Order banning night.

Trump retweeted a post saying the only good Democrat is a dead one. Said one guy…

Some good news: the 2020 VMAs may go on as scheduled in August. You know the VMAs – it’s the show you tune in to watch, then end up saying, “I think I’m old enough to be considered ‘at-risk.’”

But Cheyenne’s Frontier Days Rodeo was canceled for the first time in 124 years. So if you want to see someone destroy the Bulls for no reason, just watch “The Last Dance.”

That’s right, the rodeo was canceled due to COVID-19. Asked if it’ll return next year, the rodeo chairman shrugged and said, “This is my first pandemic.” #AThinker

CBS News was hit hard by layoffs, and had to scale things way back. But don’t worry – they’ll announce plans to fix everything this Sunday on “16 Minutes.” 

In sports news, the Carolina Panthers signed free agent Eli Apple. Incidentally, “Eli Apple” is also the guy Trump thinks put Twitter on our phones. “Between him and Bill Windows!…”

The MLB Network says it will air 64 consecutive hours of Derek Jeter programming. Which sounds cool, til you hear it’s just one regular season game against the Orioles.

A trailer for a new PBS documentary on actress Mae West referred to her as a “Sexual Gangster.” Then the guys making a Bob Ross documentary said, “Well there goes our title.”

Actually, a group in Philly is planning the biggest orgy of all time to celebrate the end of the pandemic. They’ve got a pretty interesting name – the Philadelphia 69ers.

Yep, a group in Philadelphia is planning to have an orgy to mark the end of COVID-19. Which means the city of our forefathers could produce kids with four fathers.

Yeah, there’s gonna be an orgy in Philly. So, you might want to think twice if your spouse says they couldn’t choose between Pat’s and Geno’s.

One guy will be like, “This is the story all about how, my wife got flip-turned upside down…”

This is real. A couple in Philadelphia is planning a massive orgy. Said one of them… 

Keep Yourselves Up! But not THAT up!

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.27.20

I had a thought: taking the High Road is the best way to get to the “Hi!” Road.

But time runs one way. So if you miss your bypass, time may pass you by.

(Now available to write fortune cookies.)

We had a beautiful day in the Northeast, without a cloud in sight. Then the sky said, “Now will you guys stop yelling at me every morning?? (For three months! Knock it off!)”

The big story right now is that President Trump wants to shut down Twitter. And I’ve found that smelling salts work wonderfully after you actually agree with him.

Yep, Trump said he wants to shut down social media platforms that are silencing conservative voices. Then he said, “Please retweet!”

This came a day after Twitter prompted users to check facts in tweets sent by Trump. People said, “Even during quarantine, there’s only so many hours in a day…”

But Twitter actually made it pretty easy. For instance with this tweet…

Twitter corrected it to say: “‘Warrantless Surveillance’ is a straight-to-video Steven Seagal movie.”

Then for this one…

Twitter corrected it to say: “‘Small potatoes’ is what Trump calls raisins.”

Finally, for this one…

Twitter corrected it to say: “Headed to the potty to ‘land an Air Force Two.’”

Meanwhile, Trump plans to push ahead with his scheduled July 4th parade in spite of the pandemic. Because if history’s taught us anything, presidents never regret a parade.

Joe Biden said Trump is trying to act like some kind of “macho” man by not wearing a facemask. And by eating nothing but Slim Jims. “Uh oh – hear comes a Marine Two…”

Today, CNBC anchors Joe Kernan and Andrew Ross Sorkin got into a shouting match about COVID-19. NBC News couldn’t believe it – they said, “We still have two men who weren’t fired?”

Yeah, two CNBC anchors got into a shouting match. They knew they’d gone off the rails when Jim Cramer was like, “Guys – indoor voices!”

Disney World plans to open on July 11th, but all guests must have their temperatures checked before entering. Or as dads will say, “Great – two ways I’m gonna take it up the—I WASN’T GOING TO SAY THE A-WORD IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, CHRISTINE!”

Disney World will also require all guests to wear facemasks. It’s perfect if you’ve ever wanted a photo of your family riding Splash Mountain with Slipknot.

Yep, you have to wear masks at Disney World. While at the Hall of Presidents, they’ve programmed the Trump robot to call you a wimp.

And the NHL is coming back. Man, I cannot wait for two guys to collide, take off their gloves, put their gloves back on and agree to disagree in these unprecedented times.

That’s right, the NHL is working on a plan to resume play. And because of the pandemic, the winning team will receive 23 Stanley Juice Boxes. (With paper straws.)

The NFL is apparently worried about its finances, with some teams facing a cash shortage. So I guess that means every team will be the Chargers. 😎

New research says that the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs hit Earth at “the deadliest possible angle.” Apparently, it landed in an overcrowded pool of dinosaurs in the Ozarks.

Lady Gaga and Arianna Grande appeared on The Weather Channel to promote their song “Rain on Me.” Just as The Old Farmer’s Almanac predicted.

And lastly, Burger King faced criticism after someone asked their favorite Taylor Swift song, and they tweeted back “the one about her ex.” Then her ex said…

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.26.20

Yesterday, a white woman in Central Park was called out by a Black birdwatcher for not keeping her dog on a leash, then called the police and said an African American man was about to harm her. In response, the cops said, “You sure you’re not a cop?”

Yep, video of the woman’s tirade was filmed by a black man. So, I guess it won’t be nominated for an Oscar.

After the woman was identified, people went online and called for her to be fired from her job for being racist. You know, so she can…spend more time online being racist.

Police finally did respond to the situation, but didn’t actually do anything. Which is why today, they were hired by Twitter.

In a new interview, Woody Allen opened up about how the stay-at-home order has affected his life. I’m gonna take a guess: not at all?

A new poll found that just one in five teachers plan to return to the classroom this fall. While substitute teachers plan to press play on the movie they brought from their car.

The pandemic forced rental car company Hertz to file for bankruptcy. Workers knew there was trouble when the CEO sold his house and rented a car.

If you rented from Hertz, you might want to check your reservation. While if you rented a car with Budget, the pandemic will be over by the time you’re at the front of the line.

Speaking of cars, a woman in Georgia posted photos of a turtle that came crashing through her windshield on the highway. Even worse? Didn’t even say “Cowabunga.”

Apple may remove charging ports from iPhones. The way it works is, phones will begin to charge wirelessly on the exact same day LaGuardia finishes its charging station.

A supercomputer simulated the impact of the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Developers said, “So if you ever wanted to see the end of a species ruled by a tiny-handed predator aaaaaand we’ll just stop talking.”

But a lot about the Earth has changed since the asteroid struck. At the time, just three members of Aerosmith were alive to sing about it.

An animatronics maker Florida is remaking Dook the drummer from the 80s kids’ chain Showbiz Pizza. He’s done a pretty good job….

Here’s Dook before:

Now here he is after:

Enimem posted his phone number online for fans. You can tell he’s gotten bored in Quarantine, because after a while people say, “Will the Real Slim Shady please hang up?”

And lastly, the NBA is in the final stages of resuming, but there will be some changes since it’s at Disney World. Like instead of saying a guy’s “ice cold,” they’ll say he’s “gone Walt.”

 Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.25.20

We’re all struggling right now, but at least you aren’t my neighbor, Karen Boomer.

Today is Memorial Day. It’s the day we remember those who gave their lives living in foxholes while we struggle through the torture of “The Last Dance” ending.

Memorial Day is to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice to defend our nation. And as he does every year, President Trump laid two tiny wreaths at his heels. “Never forget.”

With the NBA set to resume play in Orlando, there’s talk of switching to a different playoff format that eliminates conferences. So you would have the Lakers playing the Nets, the Raptors playing the Grizzlies, and the Knicks playing Fortnite.

The first round would also feature the Heat playing the Thunder. And the whole series will air exclusively on The Weather Channel.

The Washington Nationals unveiled their World Series Championship ring, and as a tribute to a player’s walk-up song, it features Baby Shark. Which means somewhere, Ty Cobb is saying something racist about sharks.

Get this: a Bolivian orchestra is stranded in a haunted German castle surrounded by wolves. Starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Katherine Heigl.

But this is true: a Bolivian orchestra is stranded in a German castle. When they heard the news, officials were like, “This is very important: have the candlesticks started singing yet?”

Yep, a Bolivian orchestra is stranded in a haunted German castle surrounded by wolves. Some call it a nightmare, while most call it a dream they’ve have five nights a week for three months.

A surprise hit during all of this is “The Wretched,” a low-budget horror movie about a young person who discovers an evil witch in the woods. Critics say it’s a lot like “The Blair Witch Project,” in that I’ll never see it. 

The film is about a young boy who discovers an evil witch in the woods, then rushes to warn his neighbors. Then the next day, he says, “Never mind – Murder Hornets got her!”

And an official “Friends” cookbook will be released in September. Though I was a little concerned when I saw Ross’ recipe was “Monkey Brains.”

Actually, a hospital in Trinidad and Tobago is in trouble after a monkey got into an operating room. Nurses knew something was up when the “doctor” said, “Scalpel…scissors…banana…”

That’s right, an actual live monkey snuck into an operating room. And today, it was promoted to Secretary of Trump’s COVID-19 Taskforce. “I like George a lot. Asks lots of important questions.”

And in Argentina, a parrot is set to take the stand in a murder trial. That is, if it ever gets past the bailiff. “Please state your name.” “Please state your name.” “Juan Garcia.”“Juan Garcia.” “That’s my name!” “That’s my name!” “Judge!” “Judge!” “Shut up or I’ll kill you, too!” “The parrot rests, Your Honor.”

Country star Mogan Wallen was kicked out of Kid Rock’s Memphis bar for causing a disturbance. I guess the disturbance came when he wore a shirt and ordered a ginger ale.

And lastly, New Zealand’s Prime Minister kept going with a TV interview during a brief earthquake. Then another world leader said, “Where’s my prize for ignoring a three-month pandemic?? Rigged!”

Keep Yourselves Up, and Thank You For Your Service,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.24.20

Sorry I missed a few days. Phone needed some time to air out after m’dip in the Ozarks. (S’all good – bought a new one using the president’s checking account.)

Tomorrow is the unofficial start of summer. So if you spend the day outdoors, make sure to check your ticks for Murder Hornets.

It’s nice though – from tomorrow to Labor Day, it’s perfectly acceptable to wear white sweatpants around your house.

This weekend, President Trump and Jeff Sessions got into a Twitter war. So to answer your question, younger me, a Keebler Elf can hold its own against an Oompa Loompa, and that is a perfectly valid Senior Thesis.

The big story last week was Joe Biden’s remarks about Black voters supporting Trump. While it’s certainly a divisive issue, you can’t argue it was offensive to person of colors:

In a truly shocking turn of events, COVID-19 has become a political issue, with Democrats obeying stay-at-home issues and Republicans saying that quarantining is “going overboard.” You know, just like the people who made it off the Titanic in time.

Here’s my plan: Everyone who wears a mask should put the 2016 popular vote on it. THEN, Trumpers will put the electoral vote on theirs. THEN, everyone is wearing a mask. #Rineman2024 🇺🇸

A new poll shows that half of Fox News viewers think Bill Gates plans to use a vaccination against COVID-19 to implant microchips in us and track our movements. So not only do we beat the virus; we can get rid of Facebook Memories and all get our own “Last Dance”?? Cut me, Bill!

And churches around the country were allowed to reopen today. But in light of the pandemic, Communion was bring-your-own-blood.

The front page of today’s New York Times was made up of 1,000 people lost to COVID-19. While the sports page featured 1,000 people Trump played golf with this weekend.

Yep, Trump played golf again this weekend. In related news, they’re now known as SEAL Team Six Hornets.

Speaking of golf, Tom Brady, Tiger Woods, Peyton Manning and Phil Mickelson played on TV today. Marking the first time where the guys in the Flomax commercials were younger than all the golfers.

Brady really struggled on the golf course. So if you always hoped to see Tom Brady suck at sports, did you not watch football last year?

In fact, things went so bad for Brady, at one point, he split his pants. You know this might be a rough season when even in golf, Brady struggles with end zone coverage.

First Brady’s mic got cut, next he splits his pants, then he sucks at golf - or as that’s also known, “The Charles Barkley Trifecta.”

But some good news: Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that facilities in New York can reopen to all professional sports teams and the Knicks.

The NBA is set to resume play in July at Disney World. But it’ll get weird when they ride “It’s a Small World” and Kyrie keeps saying, “And flat!”

Today, Bob Dylan turned 79 years old. Dylan’s birthday party is great, because it’s the only one where he doesn’t sing “Happy Birthday.”

Yep, Dylan blew out his candles, made a wish, and then God nodded like a shopping mall Santa after hearing 20 seconds of babbling from a toddler. “I’ll…get right on that, Bob!”

There was actually a debate about TikTok, with some saying it’s just for young people, and others saying that’s “ageist.” Finally it ended when someone said, “Guys, girls, relax – you’re all morons!”

FX’s vampire comedy “What We Do in the Shadows” is back for a third season. But you’ll know they made adjustments based on the virus when the vampires turn into parrots.

And lastly, an alligator that was supposedly owned by Adolph Hitler died at 84. Ironically, it was struck by an errant golf ball hit by President Trump.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.21.20

Last night was the finale of “The Masked Singer.” I won’t spoil who won, but it was good to see Dr. Fauci on TV again.

But the big news is that today, Lori Loughlin chose to plead “How rude.”

That’s right, Lori Loughlin will plead guilty for her role in the college admissions scandal. Her lawyer couldn’t believe it – he said, “Whatever happened to defendability??”

There is some good news: today she was named a cohost for “Wake Up Cell Block D.”

Since she pled guilty, Loughlin will receive a two-month sentence. When asked if she could get out early, her lawyer said, “Knock on…

A host on “Daily Blast Live” tried to make her own joke about it, but ran into a little trouble:

Well – at least one journalism job just opened up!

“And Felicity Huffman can star in ‘Desperate Jailwives!’ Anywho! COVID-19 has killed a million people.”

Even Trump and Biden were like, “Now that’s an awkward transition!”

Right away, her producer was like…

President Trump has apparently said he wishes he could run against Hillary again. When asked why, he said, “So I could vote for Hillary.”

And “Tiger King” Joe Exotic is seeking an official pardon from President Trump. But it’ll get weird after when Trump says, “Okay – now you pardon me.”

In New York City, a couple was filmed having sex on an empty subway platform. So while most lines are still down, the D Train’s up and running. BUT FOLKS!

A new study shows that by wearing a face mask, Hamsters stopped spreading the coronavirus. Then hamsters said, “Does this mean we can go to concerts again?”

Yep, hamsters who cooperated in wearing facemasks stopped the spread of COVID-19. So, early congratulations to President Hamster.

UPDATE: Trump did wear a mask today while touring a plant in Michigan. Take a look:

He said, “It’s no biggie - I keep it in my pocket in case I run into Don Jr. or Eric.”

Actually, after five minutes of inhaling Cheeto breath, Trump decided to wear it forever.

But the most dramatic moment was when Trump visited a bank and slipped the teller a note that said, “Covfefe.”

Sports stadiums are trying to be creative, with some turning their parking lots into drive-ins. At the Broncos’ stadium, they’re going to project movies onto Peyton Manning’s forehead.

Yankee Stadium hopes to use its parking lot as a drive-in. They’ll show classics such as “Pride of the Yankees,” and comedies such as “Up 3-0 to the Red Sox.”

Yep, Yankee Stadium’s parking lot in the Bronx will become a drive-in. The way it works is, someone takes your order on one side, while someone takes your hubcaps on the other.

It looks like the NBA will try to resume its season in July at Disney World. LeBron hopes to play at EPCOT, since they make it so easy to travel.

ESPN is working on a 10-part documentary about Tom Brady called “Man in the Arena.” And what better name for someone who spent his whole life playing in stadiums? “Don’t forget to check out our Lance Armstrong documentary: ‘Dude in the Racecar!’”

Yep, ESPN is making a documentary about Tom Brady. Meanwhile, Animal Planet has a new series where people teach tricks to Rob Gronkowski.

And there was a rumor that “This is Us” might be not able to resume production until next year. Fans were like, “Great – NOW what’s supposed to make us cry?”

Elon Musk’s Crew Dragon space capsule will take off for the International Space Station next week with two astronauts on board. Then one will turn to the other and say, “Welp – wanna play 20,000 questions?”

Yep, the capsule will only carry two people. Or, twice as many as any other flight right now.

William Shatner sent out a tweet saying that if one of the astronauts changes his mind about going, he will take their place. Even Alf was like, “Ugh – block.”

Saturday marks the 40th anniversary of Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” and a lot of articles mention how child actor Danny Lloyd had no idea he was filming a horror movie. Even crazier? Neither did Jack Nicholson. “You’re gonna add the zany ‘boink’ and ‘doink’ sounds in post, aren’t ya?” 😎

Yep, it’s a film about a struggling writer who descends into madness after months in isolation. And I cannot wait to sit down and watch it with my bartender Lloyd.

Happy Birthday to Mr. T, who turned 68 today. I don’t wanna say he’s gotten old, because making a joke about Mr. T. would just show how old I am. (I don’t need your pity.)

And lastly, researchers in Antarctica say they may have found a parallel universe. When asked for proof of this “parallel universe,” they said, “Well for starters – Trump’s president.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

Yeah, I spoiled it for you. Now go read the (far superior) book.

The Daily Dozen 5.20.20

New York City may have businesses stagger their openings so the subway isn’t crowded. In addition, they’re adding a new rule that limits subway dance troupes to just 40 people.

And Massachusetts will allow marijuana dispensaries to open next week, but customers must make curbside pickups. In other words, their new way of dispensing weed is the old way of dispensing weed.

I saw that a company is selling panties that say “Fauci” on the outside. They’re also selling diapers that say “Dr. Oz” on the inside.

And Japan is planning a “surprise fireworks show” to lift people’s spirits during quarantine. Because if history’s taught us anything, it’s that Japan loves surprise explosions.

Yep, a surprise fireworks show in Japan. It’s from the same group who planned the German Army’s “Throwback Uni Parade.”

A tech CEO says France should sell the Mona Lisa to cover its losses during the pandemic, saying it would bring in over 50 million dollars. Plus whatever your plumber charges to get it out of your toilet.

A leaked Pentagon memo says the pandemic could last until next summer. Even crazier: it was leaked by Horace Grant.

People are still talking about the Chicago Bulls documentary “The Last Dance,” but one of the players it ignored was little-used guard Rusty LaRue. Well, Rusty LaRue posted an itinerary with the aliases used by players at hotels. Some made sense, but some were surprising. For instance…

Starting center Luc Longley? He went by…

Then there’s Toni Kukoc. He was listed as…

“Sha right that was a foul, Uncle Frank!”

He’s not the only one using a TV nickname. Steve Kerr was listed as…

Now here’s a guy with a strange name as is: Dickey Simpkins. His alias?

Then there’s the coach, and reclusive Montana native Phil Jackson. He went with…

His play book was 300,000 words long.

The team’s second-best option, Scottie Pippen? He went by…

Of course, Dennis Rodman had craziest alias of all. His was…

Oddly specific.

And finally, Rusty LaRue got to the great Michael Jordan. The name he chose so no one would bother him?

Speaking of Chicago, last night the Willis Tower – formerly the Sears Tower – lost power. It was the worst case of someone from Chicago losing power since the Inauguration.

People noticed the Tower seemed to look like an annoyed human or robot. Check it out:

That looks like Beaker after trying to deep-fry a turkey.

The CBS Evening News also lost power last night, when a glitch accidentally ended its 6:30 broadcast. The network said, “Thank God our viewers go to bed at 6.”

And as if things aren’t bad enough, a dam burst in Michigan today, causing thousands to evacuate. But don’t worry – Trump promised to bring two rolls of paper towels.

Trump was actually scheduled to tour a Ford plant in Michigan. He’ll give a succinct update on the pandemic and its effect on the economy. Just kidding – he’ll spend an hour honking horns, then ask to meet Optimus Prime.

Joe Biden responded to reckless accusations made by Trump’s sons, saying, “I don’t want to get in the mud with these guys.” Then he said, “But Peppa and George? Hell yeah!”

In other Joe news, Joe Rogan signed a $100 million deal with Spotify to air his podcast. At least that’s what the reptilians want you to believe.

Joe Rogan’s getting $100 million. Of course, he insisted on being paid in GNC gift cards. 

Former “Real Housewives of New York” star Alex McCord earned her Master’s Degree in psychology. However, she needs a degree in psychiatry to treat fans of “The Real Housewives of New York.”

I saw that Target’s online sales have risen 141 percent during the pandemic. While Walmart will send an old guy to your house to say, “Hi – welcome to bed!”

USA Today published some stretches you can do at home to stay in shape. Though it’s weird that their hamstring stretch is a hotel guest stepping over a USA Today.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.19.20

A group of researchers is developing a plan to test for COVID-19 by sneezing into a phone. The way it works is, you sneeze repeatedly into your phone and show up on the next season of “Crank Yankers.”

A photo went viral showing Mayor Bill de Blasio talking to New Yorkers in Central Park:

That looks like Mr. Rogers starring in his own WrestleMania “Boneyard Match.” 

That looks like an NPR host asking for help assembling a grill outside Home Depot. 

You can’t tell, but he’s telling the guy on the bike, “Please put on a shirt, Mayor Giuliani.”

Pier 1 announced it will be shutting down permanently. Makes sense – how is a chain that sells home furnishings expected to thrive when literally everyone’s stuck in their homes?

And the Belmont Stakes will take place in June without spectators. Of course there are some concerns, like what if we can hear the horses swear?

That’s right, there won’t be any spectators at the Belmont Stakes. And instead of jockeys, each horse will be ridden by a mannequin from J.C. Penney.

Today would have been wrestling legend Andre the Giant’s 74th birthday. And I bet if he were alive today, he’d look at Trump and say, “Yikes – who’s the giant??”

President Obama will not attend his official portrait unveiling in the White House. He said it had less to do with Trump, and more with no one believing that’s actually him.

And South Korea says Kim Jong Un has not been seen for weeks. Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the Cameo he sent my mom for Mother’s Day??

A woman in New Zealand taught her dog how to perform CPR. Which sounds cool, until you hear she also taught it how to run to victims in slow motion.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.18.20

Well, the bad news is the Keith Richards of Dad Stores, JC Penney has filed for bankruptcy. But on the bright side, some of its employees have landed on their feet:

If you missed it this weekend – our former president gave a stirring speech that was watched by millions, while our current president made his own JibJab video.

On Saturday, President Obama gave a streaming commencement address where he praised graduates and took numerous swipes at Trump without naming him. Then Trump said, “Joke’s on him - I’ve already got a name. (Two, if you count John Barron!)”

Meanwhile, Trump tweeted a video where his head is edited onto Bill Pullman during his big speech in “Independence Day.” While whoever does the same thing using the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man will immediately receive a Nobel Prize.

Trump also bragged about having a hypersonic weapon he described as a “super duper missile.” When told North Korea was developing a “super-DEE-duper missile,” Trump said, “We’re doomed! Everyone into the basement-slash-Eric’s bedroom!”

Today, Trump took part in a round-table with restaurant executives. He had a lot of questions beforehand, like, “Do I bow or curtsey for the Burger King?”

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said that anyone swimming in the city’s waters would be removed. New Yorkers said, “Let’s start with people who aren’t ‘swimming’.” “Hey you in the red track suit! This is the Mayor! Stop hiding your face in the water and come out RIGHT NOW!”

New York continues to warn residents about hallucinations, delirium and lack of oxygen. For example:

Baseball announced its plan to return during quarantine, but one of the conditions is no mascots. They said, “Sorry, but a pandemic is no time for people in masks and gloves.”

MLB’s pandemic outline is actually 67 pages long. To put that in perspective: if you read the whole thing twice, you’ll miss one inning.

There are a number of rules, such as “No spitting,” “no hugging,” and “no high-fives.” Incidentally, those are also the rules for the presidential debates.

There’s another rule where inactive players have to sit in the stands instead of the dugout. That’s gotta be fun when a manager tells a pitcher, “You were awful! Now get up in there and start The Wave!”

That’s right, they’re limiting the number of people in each dugout. And when a team wins, it has to use the drive-thru at Dairy Queen.

ESPN aired the conclusion of “The Last Dance,” and the epilogue says Michael Jordan “retired” and ignores his comeback with the Wizards. Which is like a doc on someone else saying, “Then he fired Meat Loaf and Gary Busey from his game show, and that was that!”

Michael Jordan says he was poisoned before his “Flu Game” after eating a pizza delivered by five men in Utah. And the hallway was extra crowded, thanks to their 37 wives.

I actually feel like it might’ve been an inside job – especially when you see the five guys:

With “The Last Dance” over, ESPN’s next documentary is about Lance Armstrong. They said it follows in their theme of athletes who did amazing things with the ball.

And NASCAR returned. At least it would’ve, if the guy saying “Gentlemen, start your engines” weren’t wearing a facemask. “Did he say ‘Gingerbread Stunts Your Enzymes’?” “Nah – it was ‘Hendersons Hide Your Harries.’”

It’s actually kind of hard picking out NASCAR fans, since after weeks of at-home haircuts, we all have mullets.

Today was the 40th anniversary of the eruption of Mount. St. Helens. Which means tomorrow is the anniversary of President Carter solving it by drinking the lava.

Trump said he’s taking hydroxychloroquine to battle COVID-19. But you could tell he’s confused when he said, “Which kind should I take today: a Fred, or a Wilma?”

Trump told reporters he’s been taking the potentially fatal drug “for a few weeks.” When asked who prescribed it, he said, “My new doctor – Ike Pence.”

I’m torn: do you warn people not to listen to Trump, or wait to see how he tries to spell “hydroxychloroquine”? “Took another shot of Hendersonshideyourharrys! Thank you!”

Hydroxychloroquine is actually designed to treat malaria. When asked if he’s come in contact with malaria, Trump said, “Not since our wedding night.”

Joe Biden gave a campaign speech from his home, but was constantly interrupted by noise from birds. Or as they’re known online, “Bernie Crows.”

Biden was actually interrupted by some Canadian Geese. Then Trump said, “What a coincidence –lately, I’ve been followed by vultures!”

Lindsey Graham took a video at a reopened barbershop, showing off a new haircut. Then he excused himself to look for a beard. (For Halloween!…….He’s going as Harvey Fierstein!)

Strip clubs are opening up, but requiring strippers to wear masks. I’m guessing it’s not quite the same when the emcee says, “Coming to the stage right now –the juicy gyrations of Jason Voorhees!!!”

You think that’s bad – wait til the strippers ask you to make it rain with toilet paper.

Yep, strip clubs have a policy of “clothes off, masks on.” Or as Charles and Camilla call that, “Sex.” #Topical

A priest in Detroit used a squirt gun to spray Holy Water in parishioners. But the real highlight was when he broke out the Wafer Cannon. “Whooooooo wants some JESUS???”

And people noticed that Chuck E. Cheese’s is selling its pizza online under the name “Pasqually’s Pizza.” But the pizza chain assured kids there’s nothing wrong with Chuck E. Cheese; he just used a racial slur on a conference call with investors.

A man created an AC/DC song using artificial intelligence. As opposed to AC/DC, which does it using other AC/DC songs. “Here’s our new one for ya – ‘Dirty Hell Shoots Bells’!”

And lastly, a South Korean soccer team apologized for using sex dolls as stand-ins for fans during a game. Things really went off the rails when the announcer said, “Wow, look at all the HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!”

Yep, sports fans you can take home and sleep with. Or as they’re also known, “Kardashians.”

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Tryout

It’s now clear that just two things can save us from COVID-19: President Trump and Korean baseball. But that’s not all they have in common. Back in 2015 – when this was all still funny, as we thought Hillary knew about swing states and people would clap for Jeb unprompted – Britain’s Daily Mail reported that our current Commander in Chief was a star ballplayer. So good, in fact, he was supposedly scouted by…the Boston Red Sox. So strap on your Rod Serling/Jordan Peele/[Current Press Secretary] swirly glasses as we travel to another dimension, where an 18-year-old with flowing red hair and unwavering confidence takes the field in the summer of ‘64…

BOSTON– Tom Yawkey looked on from afar. Always interested in signing talent – rarely doingit, but often interested– the man who allegedly shouted Jackie Robinson off the field was present for another tryout. But there was no shortage of swagger at Fenway Park this day, as hot shot, “my parents can’t stand-me”/military school prospect Donald J. Trump walked up the steps of the Red Sox dugout. “I’m still hoping to sign with San Francisco,” he remarked. “After all, the J in my name stands for ‘Giant.’ But my dad says he might pull a few strings and make me a Dodger.” Then, “Wow! Look at all the scouts here to see me. There must be 200, 300, 800 scouts!” – eliciting a shrug from both of them.

As Trump surveyed the cozy confines of Fenway, I asked how familiar he was with the park, and the tragedy with which its opening coincided. When told that it was the sinking of the Titanic (and not “the dinosaurs go bye-bye,”) he remarked, “Ah yes. But if you ask me, that iceberg was treated very unfairly. There were some fine people on that boat, but there was also some veryfine ice on that berg!”

            Trump then mentioned that he was staying at the nearby Hotel Buckminster, as the hotel owned by his father was, quote, “a raging bedbug orgy.” When asked if he knew of its significance in Shoeless Joe Jackson’s “Black Sox” scandal, Trump said, “Of course. He refused to wear his shoes, which made his socks turn black. That’s why you always sleep in your shoes, folks. I even made up a rhyme: ‘shoes in bed, while you rest your face.’” Another scribe brought forth the Yankee-Red Sox rivalry, and the debate about whether Ted Williams or Joe DiMaggio is the game’s greatest hitter. But young Mr. Trump wasn’t taking the bait. “That’s a tough call – like trying to pick a side in the Cold War.”

            Trump remained upbeat, boasting of past achievements at the amateur level. “Our first game, I went 4 for 5,” he said. “Then our next game, 5 for 5. And – you won’t believe this – the game after that, I managed to go 8 for 5. It had never been done – not even by Footless Jim Johnson.” This clearly raised the bar for Trump’s workout. Asked whether he possesses all five tools, he said, “No – but I plan to have three with my first wife.”

After snorting the first baseline, Trump was ready to show his stuff. First up was batting practice – but just preparing proved a chore. “I know I’m a lefty,”he was heard whispering, struggling to pick a box. “But they’ll only take me seriously as a righty…”Following several misses and weak grounders back to the mound, Trump summoned a caddy, who proceeded to place a baseball on a tee. “Ah, that’s more like it!” said Trump, before hitting one ball to the outfield…then refusing to pay the caddy.

Perhaps, it was suggested, Trump would make a better sacrifice hitter, laying down a tight squeeze. “I laid down two verytight squeezes on the flight up,” he replied, “but don’t worry – I paid the stewardess 130 grand to keep it quiet.”

From there, it was on to base running, at which Trump rounded the bases in an impressive 12 seconds. When asked to do so without riding in a limo, Trump declined, citing “cleat spurs.” 

“All field/no hit” appeared to be the best-case scenario as Trump switched to defense. “You expect me to wear this giant first baseman’s mitt at second base??” he asked, before a coach replied that it was actually a child’s glove that fell out of the stands. The coach then proceeded to hit 20 fungos – followed by 19 “I wasn’t readies” and one ball that was blocked by Trump’s five-foot-long necktie. 

“It’s okay,” Trump assured us, “I’m better suited as a cutoff man.” When asked if anything had gone over his head, Trump said, “Yes – the plot to ‘Mary Poppins.’ One minute, it’s fun, then they jump back out of that drawing and it’s a big-boy movie! Am I gonna see dancing cartoon penguins or what??”

Given his girth and the protective cup that saved him from that stewardess, it was suggested Trump should give catching a shot. “Fine. But I’m not wearing a mask. Did General Lee wear a mask?” he mused about a man who at no point played baseball. “No. So I’m not wearing a mask. It’s a no. Record no-ness from me, that I can tell you. Gimme the mask just in case. You’re Fake Ball!”

The coaches then directed Trump to left field, where, curiously, he proceeded to let fly ball after fly ball bounce directly off his head without the slightest reaction. As we finally approached, it became apparent that Mr. Trump wasn’t even facing home plate – but instead, the oversized, green barrier before him. “OH. MY. GOD,” he said like Janice from that future show. “Look at that beautiful WALLLL.”

Nothing would deter him – this was now the only topic of conversation. “I have never seen such a big, beautiful wall,” he marveled. “If only there was a way I could share my need for this wall with the masses…using approximately 275 characters, then five stray dots…before finally finishing my thought 11 minutes later on the toilet…”

He was smitten. “Would you look at it?” he exclaimed, now physically hugging the monstrosity. “When you sign me, that wall’s gonna get ten feet higher! And when I can’t get the Mexican League to pay for it, the Washington Senators will!”

As his tryout ended, Trump appeared pleased by his performance – but was already looking ahead to his post-playing days. (“I heard when you’re a third base coach, you get to wave some Latinos home.”) And finally, he met with Mr. Yawkey. When asked if Trump would be suiting up at Fenway, Yawkey – owner of the last baseball team to integrate by a decade– said, “Sorry – he’s far too racist.”

The Daily Dozen 5.14.20

Well, if you thought the trillionaire thing was bad, just wait til Bezos wins “The Masked Singer.” “I KNEW he was the Vaping Mosquito!”

Today, Pope Francis called on people of all religions to join in prayer. Then he said, “But if you’re someone who says you’re ‘spiritual, but not religious,’ just try drinking bleach.”

President Trump addressed COVID-19 in Pennsylvania today, saying, “When you test, you have a case. When you test, you find something is wrong with people. If we didn't do any testing we would have very few cases.” Then he said, “It’s like they say: ‘If a tree falls in the forest, the chicken or the egg?’”

Before that, Trump tweeted that he wants President Obama to testify before the Senate about a so-called scandal called “Obamagate.” Then Obama shrugged and said, “Know what? Sounds fun. (Sorry Michelle, gotta go. But you guys enjoy that kale bread!)”

Trump also said Dr. Fauci didn’t give an “acceptable” answer when he said there’s no easy answer to re-opening schools to children. Fauci said he would’ve been more direct with Trump, but some of the people watching at home were children. 

Florida is rolling out is social distancing restaurant guidelines, including a rule that just four people share a table in Miami. Or as that’s also known, “The Golden Girls.”

Some were outraged when Wisconsin residents returned to bars and restaurants without wearing protective facemasks. But before you judge, most of them were wearing protective cheese-masks. 

McDonald’s is opening its dining rooms, but with social distancing guidelines. Everyone’s taking it seriously – in fact Ronald McDonald is only letting 80 friends ride in his car.

A German café is celebrating social distancing guidelines by giving out pool noodle hats:

It finally answers the question, “How would history have changed if Germany was conquered by a bachelorette party?”

Officials in Singapore deployed a robot dog to enforce social distancing in a park. When asked to describe the dog, residents said, “Crunchy.” (Again – get mad at me about an actual thing while you eat a goddamn cow. I’m very, very sorry about the make believe death of that…robot dog.)

I read that more people have noticed their houses are “haunted,” after experiencing supernatural incidents during quarantine. Well, you know what they say: “🎵Who you gonna call?? THE DOCTOR!🎵 because you probably have COVID-19.”

Actually, people who’ve battled COVID-19 say they’ve experienced extreme hallucinations. While people who just finished their 11th binge-watch of “Suits” said, “Bring it!”

One doctor reported hallucinations such as dogs jumping onto his bed and birds flying into his room. Then colleagues said, “Was it COVID-19, or MOTEL-6?”

Yeah, he says he saw birds fly into his room and was visited by the dead. Then Tupac told his parakeets, “That does it – back in the cage!”

I read that new restrictions are making it harder to harvest oranges. In fact, makers of Orangina say this could have up to no effect.

New research says that loud speech can leave COVID-19 germs in the air for 14 minutes. Which is why today, the White House Press Corps said, “Okay – no more questions!”

Yeah, they say that those who exchange in quiet conversation are less likely to get sick. So whenever you feel down, just picture a group of NPR hosts teaching themselves how to hunt. “I think maybe if we make some subtle observations about something the deer said in its book, it’ll die of shame?”

The horror classic “Psycho” will return to theaters this summer. It’s a little different – this time, Marion screams in horror when Norman only sings two lines of “Happy Birthday” while washing his hands.

Actually, both “Psycho” and “Jaws” are headed back to theaters. So if you want to see a guy with mommy issues and a vicious, bloated carnivore – Trump 2020!

In a new interview, Matt Damon says COVID-19 was foreshadowed by his film “Contagion.” While Ben Affleck says empty movie theaters were foreshadowed by his film “Gigli.”

Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Blake Snell pushed back at taking a pay cut this season, saying it’s not worth risking his life for less money. He was like, “I want to have ALL my money when I’m dead!”

Yeah, Snell doesn’t want to take a pay cut to play baseball because it’s too risky. He said it’s already bad enough working a job where you get a day off when it rains.

Joe Buck says Fox may add artificial crowd noise to its NFL telecasts. While for the Jets, they’ll just play an endless loop of THIS.

Buck also said they may add CGI fans. And this is cool: for Browns fans, they’ll even have CGI paper bags over their heads.

NFL during a pandemic should be fun. I can’t wait until a team wins the Super Bowl and dunks the coach with a bucket of Purell.

Former Patriot Matt Light says he once pranked Bill Belichick with a computer mouse that shocked him every time he touched it. When asked how he was feeling, Belichick said,

During last night’s UFC event, one of the fighters actually handed his teeth to the referee. Fans turned away in horror, while the ref put them under his pillow and retired.

ESPN released its list of the 74 best NBA players. Yep, 74. When asked who they looked for, ESPN said, “Guys who always gave it 107 percent.”

Unsurprisingly, Michael Jordan was ranked number one. But coming in second? This guy:

A nine-year-old boy in Tennessee caught an 80-pound sturgeon. In fact it’s such a big fish, when you strap it to a board, it sings that whole Bob Dylan song about JFK getting shot in the head.

A fan noticed that a Season 4 episode of “The Simpsons” reveals Homer Simpson’s birthdate, and that he recently turned 64. You can tell Homer’s 64, because he refers to “The Simpsons” as “THE Family Guy.” “Is that the one with Seth McMeyers??”

USA says it’s canceling its drama “The Purge.” But you can still watch it using another platform: your window.

USA Today did an article on how virtual baby reveals can be just as good as the real thing. They say even with Skype or Zoom, a dad can still tell his son, “Finally, I get a boy.”

And lastly, I read that more people have begun going nude around the house during quarantine. In related news, their cats just tried drinking bleach.

On that uplifting trifecta – Keep Yourselves Up!

Jon

Actually, this should fix it:

The Daily Dozen 5.13.20

Well the good news is, a UFC fight took place in front of spectators. The bad news: it happened at Red Lobster.

This is pretty big: researchers say a feature on your FitBit can detect COVID-19. At least it could’ve, if you hadn’t traded it for a square of toilet paper.

Yesterday, Los Angeles extended its stay-at-home order to July. COVID-19’s a little different in LA; if you test negative, the doctor sends a note saying he’d still like to collaborate on future viruses.

People in apartments are snapping at their neighbors for having loud sex. They’re like, “Would you please stop?? I’m trying to homeschool the result of me having loud sex!”  

Realtors in Manhattan are preparing for a permanent exodus due to COVID-19. In fact new projections show that Rachel and Monica actually could afford that apartment.

With the U.S. suffering a beef shortage, more meat from Mexico could make its way to dinner tables. But it gets weird when you bite into a burger and go, “El Chapo?”

A restaurant in Washington D.C. filled half its tables with mannequins to stay “full” during social distancing. It gets even weirder when you break up with someone and notice the mannequins leaning in to eavesdrop. 

Yep, a D.C. establishment that’s half dummies. Or as that’s also known, “Congress.”

Howard Stern went on a rant where he called on President Trump to resign. Which is ironic because in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled “Barack Obama” “Baba Booey.” #BooeyGate

Stern wants Trump to resign, while Rush Limbaugh is accusing Democratic Governors of ruining the economy. When asked if radio personalities could sway the election, voters said, “What is radio?” (“It’s like a Podcast, but with ads.” “So…a podcast.” “THIS IS MY HOUSE!” “Okay, Boomer.” “Okay ZOOMER.” “That was pretty good actually.” “Eh, I stole it from Joy Behar.”)

A company is selling a candle that smells like Harry Styles called “Cashmere Vanilla.” Ironically, “Cashmere Vanilla” is also the Secret Service codename for Mike Pence.

Netflix dropped a trailer for its docuseries on Jeffrey Epstein, which tries to shed light on his mysterious life and death. In fact there’s one scene where security cams catch Carole Baskin’s tigers sneaking out of his cell.

It was announced that “Jaws” is returning to the movie theaters this summer. And thanks to beachgoers in Florida, audiences will actually be rooting for the shark.

Theaters say it will give younger viewers a chance to see the film on the big screen. Or, you could just sit really close to your TV.

I guess “Jaws” was updated, because when Quint coughs, the shark spits him out.

UFC was back tonight, and it featured a TKO by Chase Sherman, the “Vanilla Gorilla.” Ironically, “Vanilla Gorilla” is the Secret Service codename for Trump.

Keep Yourselves Up,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.12.20

I’m behind on the news, but best I can figure is Jeff Goldblum beat up Scott Burrell?

Well, if there’s one thing we learned in today’s Senate testimony, it’s that COVID-19 hasn’t killed nearly as many people as Tim Kaine.

This is interesting: while Kaine was at the hearing, train robberies dropped 90%.

That’s what Senator and former Vice Presidential nominee Tim Kaine wore over his face at today’s Congressional hearing. When asked how long he’s been wearing it, he said, “Since November 9th, 2016.”

When people first saw Kaine, they were like, “Who the hell is that??” Then he removed the bandana and they said, “Still – who the hell is that??”

I know we’re all laughing at Kaine – but did you see Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?

Today, Dr. Anthony Fauci testified before Congress via video conference. Here he is:

Some were listening, while most waited for a toddler and a baby to burst through a door in the background.

Dr. Fauci warned against reopening too early, saying it could lead to deadly outbreaks – while President Trump is still pushing for businesses to resume operations. But who do you believe – a world-renowned disease expert, or a guy who looks like every panel of a “Signs of Gout” poster rolled into one?

Fauci was met with some resistance, including Senator Rand Paul saying Fauci is not the “end-all, be-all” in deciding to reopen. In case you’re not familiar, here’s Rand Paul:

First he tries to stop Ray from turning his cornfield into a baseball diamond, now this?

Fauci also said people will still be homeschooling their children in the fall. Kids aren’t sure what’s worse – listening to Mom all day, or Dad seeing if his cheerleading outfit still fits.

Yep, parents will still be the teachers. While the principal will for some reason be Screech. 

After his press secretary tested positive for COVID-19, Vice President Mike Pence will begin to distance himself from President Trump. Then Pence said, “Yes – ‘begin.’”

But Trump was busy pushing a conspiracy theory that Joe Scarborough was responsible for the death of a Congressional intern. Trump must’ve been channel-surfing this morning, because he also said, “And where was Big Bird when Mr. Hooper ‘died’?? #BirdGate”

It was announced that Broadway shows will be closed through Labor Day. But it evens out when you realize the only way to greet people now is “jazz hands.”

But the good news is that “Hamilton” is coming to Disney+ on July 3rd. The bad news is that even in my living room, the best ticket I got was standing directly behind a lamp.

And singer Bryan Adams went on a rant about his tour’s cancelation, blaming COVID-19 on “Bat Eating Bastards.” Which is ironic, since the last concert I saw was Bat Eating Bastards opening for The Murder Hornets. (Their jam version of “Zoom Bomb”? *Chef’s kiss*)

And “CBS This Morning” host Tony Dokoupi looked like he fell asleep on the air today. TAKE A LOOK.

It’s the worst time that’s happened since Al Roker said, “Now a look at what’s happening in your neck of the class I forgot to go to all semester and now it’s the final exam in my underpants!”

Meanwhile, “Fox & Friends” asked if he was on any medication so they could give it to Brian Kilmeade.

But Dokoupil denied he was sleeping, and says he was looking down at the iPad in his lap. When asked what was playing on the iPad, he said, “Relaxing Sounds of the Ocean.”

And today on “The View,” Meghan McCain revealed that the quarantine has caused her roots to start turning gray. While somewhere, her father said, “Wow – sounds horrible. Gray roots? How do you stay sane??”

Netflix is developing a documentary about the 1999 World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s Soccer Team. Mainly to show us how to achieve greatness without using your hands.

SportsCenter anchor Scott Van Pelt says he’s nervous ESPN is running out of things to talk about. He said, “We’re just up there adlibbing, riffing, making meandering conversation that has nothing to do with sports – then, the pandemic started.”

I read that a Knicks City Dancer is working as a nurse at a New York City hospital during the pandemic. When asked how it compares to her other gig, she said, “Not as sad.”

Beachgoers in Florida left 12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach last weekend. Which explains that new song: 🎵“Coma Shark, doo doo, doo doo, doo doo…”🎵

12 thousand pounds of trash on the beach. Or as that’s also known, “Bachelor in Paradise.”

Robert Pattinson photographed himself for the June/July cover of GQ. Sure, when he does it, it’s “cool,” but when I do it, it’s “Needs more quarters.”

I saw that today, Kate Gosselin’s sextuplets turned 16. And you can tell they’re 16, because they’ve never heard of Kate Gosselin.

In light of COVID-19, Twitter says its employees are welcome to stay home forever. Then Quibi said, “Uh yeah – ours too.”

And lastly, an MTA vehicle slammed into a parked Pepsi truck near Times Square. Marking the first time it was ever acceptable to say, “Is Pepsi okay??”

Keep Yourselves Up,
Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.11.20

The Northeast was hit with heavy rainstorms this afternoon. And even though I can’t go outside, I still lost my umbrella in a cab.

People are starting to crack, and kids are chanting, “No more homework! No more homework!” Then they heard baseball is coming back and chanted, “We want homework! We want homework!”

Baseball owners approved a plan where the first game would be played as early as July 4th. While the game would end as early as August 4th.

The Red Sox’ owners called the plan a “good first start,” the Yankees’ owners called it “reason for optimism,” and the Orioles’ owner is a Roomba trapped in a corner.  

There are several rule changes, including expanding the Playoffs to 14, always using a designated hitter, and 50 players per team. So if you want to watch baseball – you can probably go play it, too.

They’re doing everything to try and change the game’s image. Today, a guy in Iowa heard his cornfield whisper, “If you build it – make a TikTok.”

But the season would start on the 4th of July – which may present a conflict with that other competition: The Nathan’s Banana Bread Eating Contest.

The outbreak at the White House is apparently severe, and everyone who works there has to wear masks. When asked why President Trump isn’t, staffers said, “Again – everyone who works here.” 

Staffers at the White House have to wear face masks and wash their hands regularly. Or as they were told, “Just pretend Steve Bannon’s still around.”

But everyone’s worried – Lincoln’s ghost said he’d be more comfortable Zoom-haunting.

An Asian reporter asked Trump why he calls virus testing a “global” competition, and he responded, “Ask China.” When asked why they don’t remove Trump from office, Republicans said, “Ask Russia.”

Anti-lockdown protesters stormed a Subway sandwich shop in North Carolina with guns and a rocket launcher. But they retreated when the kid behind the counter busted out the tuna scoop.

Meanwhile, Shanghai Disneyland reopened. Visitors are required to wear masks, while one duck said, “How about pants?”

People in Florida protested the temporary closure of gyms by doing sit-ups and pushups outside. While comedy writers got a cardio workout racing to write the same joke about it.

And not only were there people doing pushups outside; there were also some old naked guys just walking around making small talk. “Ya excited for baseball?”

Mike Tyson put out a training video and said he’d be open to boxing former rival Evander Holyfield. When asked if he’s in, Holyfield said, “HUH??? (Say it on the other side!)”

Tyson released a dramatic video and declared “I’m back!” Then he saw a Murder Hornet and said, “I’m out!”

Dave Grohl wrote a touching essay for The Atlantic about how much he misses live music, and can’t wait for its return. While Bob Dylan released an 87-minute song about The Donner Party. “This is what people neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed!”

And lastly, a teenager in Canada had his license revoked after he was caught driving 191 miles per hour. Or as he put it, “Well – we tried to save ‘em, Doc!”

Keep Yourselves Up, and Serenity Always,

Jon

The Daily Dozen 5.10.20

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

Photo Circa 2013

Even though we’re under quarantine, I still managed to pick some flowers for my Mom. While the Murder Hornets managed to take my wallet, my keys and my car.

Yep, a day to celebrate a parent while remaining distant – also known as “Father’s Day.” #WordEconomization #ShoutoutToRandyPrice

And now Father’s Day is around the corner. Or as Dads put it, “Can you flush a necktie?”

President Obama tweeted that even if you can’t hug the mom in your life, you should give her an extra thank you. Then Trump said, “Someone tell Maraca ‘Extra thank you’. (Fake Maraca, too.)”

Washington D.C.’s quarantine has led to a number of wildlife sightings, including foxes, coyotes and muskrats. When asked if they’ve seen any bears, officials said, “Not yet, Senator Graham.”

But officials in D.C. have seen a number of rare birds, including red-tailed hawks and wild turkeys. While staffers in the Oval Office said they spotted a lame duck.

And after everyone went out and got masks, scientists are saying the virus can actually enter through your eyes. Man, who would have been crazy enough to oh you gotta be f#&@in’…

“And joke’s on you, because I was already holding my breath since I ate a burrito two weeks ago!”

Joe Biden’s campaign is apparently building a team of Republicans to go against Trump. But they’re being careful to keep it a secret – which is why they haven’t told Joe Biden.

But you’ll know Biden’s onto the “covert team” when he pulls up in a van with a Mohawk. “Time to pity some fools! Yes, my necklace IS made of Froot Loops!”

Frontier Airlines announced it will take its passengers’ temperatures before allowing them to board. Which gets even worse, when you see you’re in Boarding Group Butt.

UFC returned to action last night – and actually banned fighters from complaining about working conditions during the pandemic. Which explains the ref for each match: Ellen.

Boston Celtics owner Wyc Grousbeck donated one million dollars towards a COVID-19 vaccine development. While out in Los Angeles, the Buss Brothers went to Panera just to sneeze in the soup.

An agent says NBA star Zion Williamson received money to attend Duke. Even crazier: “Zion Williamson” is just Lori Loughlin’s daughters standing on each other’s shoulders.

Williamson allegedly received gifts and other services, which could lead to an investigation of Coach Mike Krzyzewski. And when I said “Krzyzewski!” someone yelled at me for not wearing a face mask.

ESPN accidentally displayed the phone number of Cincinnati Reds pitcher Trevor Bauer. They were like, “Phew – thank God kids don’t know any baseball players.”

Tom Brady posted a Mother’s Day message to his mom Galynn and wife Gisele Bündchen. While Rob Gronkowski posted message to his mom, Peggy Bundy and Mommy Shark.

And lastly, a rare demo recorded by Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr in the 90s is up for auction. Which is cool, until it starts, “A-one, two, three, FO-WAH!! 🎵You and me baby ain’t nothin’ but mammals…🎵”

Keep Yourselves Up, Fools,

Jon